Name: Anonymous 2007-09-03 9:32 ID:AhKyvCV/
I've gotten past 30 years by the sheer inertia of being alive and not finding a way to die that wasn't too much effort and wouldn't be misinterpreted. I just want to never have existed. I haven't even walked with a girl hand in hand, let alone kiss one.
Well, being one year younger than the rest of the class at school, wearing glasses, being a bullied nerd, and getting laughed at in the locker rooms because of my 4,5" dick (even smaller after exercising) didn't help me. Being the single boy in a class (out of 12, for 15 girls) not to get a Valentine's day card wasn't good, either. Met one of them again last month and she didn't even remember me, even though I had lent her a few records. I was transparent, girls didn't *see* me, but I didn't know that then. I don't know HOW to be seen, yet.
I can't feel desire, it gets turned into frustration and fear. Somehow, my neo-feminist mother programmed me that a man expressing his desire to a woman was bad. That if I got caught looking at a bosom or at an ass that girl would never like me again. That's bollocks, but nobody has ever disproven that to me with actions. Women tend to get scared when they feel the intensity of my desire, because I do really hard eye contact. And it puzzles me because I don't feel it as aggression, it's just very focused interest. Also, nobody ever smiled when they caught me leering at them...
Yes, desire is aggression, it's aggressive, but women are not made of china, they're as tough as me and the same way I'm suffering because nobody (from my mother onwards) has ever made me feel they desire me or find me cute or gave me hugs, women would suffer if everybody they knew behaved just like me.
Early this year I got my heart crushed. I went after a girl that knew I was interested in her, but wouldn't say Yes or No to anything I proposed. So, I tried to get to talk to her about it and get a No out of her, to see if at least we could stay friends, with the result that she ignored me and my request and I was left feeling just the lowest form of amoeba, a nought on the left side of a number. Tough lesson to learn at 29, but I'm still a beginner doing beginner's mistakes. I had to use my summer vacations to be with myself and grow a new heart, but I'm starting to regret it. I'm still acting the same, the girls are still getting scared, I'm still terrified of them, and with a new heart, I'm in pain again.
Well, being one year younger than the rest of the class at school, wearing glasses, being a bullied nerd, and getting laughed at in the locker rooms because of my 4,5" dick (even smaller after exercising) didn't help me. Being the single boy in a class (out of 12, for 15 girls) not to get a Valentine's day card wasn't good, either. Met one of them again last month and she didn't even remember me, even though I had lent her a few records. I was transparent, girls didn't *see* me, but I didn't know that then. I don't know HOW to be seen, yet.
I can't feel desire, it gets turned into frustration and fear. Somehow, my neo-feminist mother programmed me that a man expressing his desire to a woman was bad. That if I got caught looking at a bosom or at an ass that girl would never like me again. That's bollocks, but nobody has ever disproven that to me with actions. Women tend to get scared when they feel the intensity of my desire, because I do really hard eye contact. And it puzzles me because I don't feel it as aggression, it's just very focused interest. Also, nobody ever smiled when they caught me leering at them...
Yes, desire is aggression, it's aggressive, but women are not made of china, they're as tough as me and the same way I'm suffering because nobody (from my mother onwards) has ever made me feel they desire me or find me cute or gave me hugs, women would suffer if everybody they knew behaved just like me.
Early this year I got my heart crushed. I went after a girl that knew I was interested in her, but wouldn't say Yes or No to anything I proposed. So, I tried to get to talk to her about it and get a No out of her, to see if at least we could stay friends, with the result that she ignored me and my request and I was left feeling just the lowest form of amoeba, a nought on the left side of a number. Tough lesson to learn at 29, but I'm still a beginner doing beginner's mistakes. I had to use my summer vacations to be with myself and grow a new heart, but I'm starting to regret it. I'm still acting the same, the girls are still getting scared, I'm still terrified of them, and with a new heart, I'm in pain again.