Name: Anonymous 2007-08-21 23:09 ID:FpzRusJh
5. Tear his head off with your bare hands.
This method has been around for thousands of years and has actually been used in many cases you may not have been aware of. For example, this is how Hitler died. Many believe that he killed himself but what actually happened was Jesus ascended from heaven and tore his head off. You may say "but I'm no god. I couldn't perform such a feat". But, using my simple step by step instructions, the laborious, troublesome task of tearing a man's head off is as easy as... well... tearing a woman's head off. First, you should place one hand firmly beneath his chin and clutch it forcibly. With our other hand, you should hold the back of his head, applying pressure inward and upward against the skull. Once you have done this, you simply pop the head right off in a quick, turning motion. This technique is best used as a surprise attack from behind but is perhaps even more intimidating when done from the front, in the heat of battle. This attack is rarely necessary but once used is one of the most effective forms of threatening a future adversary. For example, "You lay one more hand on me and I swear on all that is holy, I'll tear your damn head off and eat my breakfast cereal out of you skull". (Note that this approach is especially effective when the head of your previous foe is worn on a necklace or is hanging from your ceiling) Who is going to challenge that kind of authority? No one, that's who.
4. Punch him in the face so many times that his head is literally just a pool of soft putty-like liquid on the floor (and dripping from your fists).
While one can only speculate what the actual cause of death is in this situation, I would imagine it is probably being hit really hard. Of course, the man would probably be dead long before he got to be completely liquidified but I still consider it necessary. Think of it this way. You murdered him really hard. This death is not a noble one. Reserve this for the greatest scum you ever encounter. If you do, you will find this is probably the most satisfying thing to do to him. After several hours of pounding you may experience lightheadedness and exhaustion. I would strongly implore you to keep going because in the end, you'll be glad you did. If you still have trouble persevering, just think of how the guy your hitting feels. Dead. That's how he feels.
3. Tear his heart out then hand it to him while he's still alive.
I have to accredit Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom for this one, though the latter part was inspired by Dumb and Dumber. This technique is especially effective when used to punish someone for not doing your will. If you happen to be a king or evil medieval sorcerer, this is for you. The procedure is fairly simple. You simply tighten your fingers in a position like that of a claw. You then thrust your hand into the chest of whoever you decided has lost the privilege of having a heart. Now this part is tricky. You only get one shot so be sure to take great care in your aim. Whether or not you hit the heart, he will die anyway but it greatly detracts from the theatrics of the maneuver if you don't actually get the heart. Once you have the heart clutched in you hand within his body, simply pull it out with a slight twisting motion. Then the last step is simply to hand it back to him as you say a snappy and evil one-liner such as "I'm afraid you just don't have your heart in the right place" or "Disheartening, isn't it? You will want to use this in a large gathering to show the consequences for incompetence and/or betrayal. In this technique, appearance is everything so I would recommend practicing on women. Their flesh is much more easily penetrated. It's one of their weaknesses. Also scrawny arms.
2. Stare at him with such ferocity and hatred that you actually bear a whole in him.
I'm sure you know the old saying "She's shooting daggers at you from her eyes". (I only use "she" because any man would literally throw daggers at you). Well this technique takes that one to another level. This approach to murder is a very difficult one. You can only use this technique if you are truly enraged beyond belief. Otherwise, you'll merely cause him to sweat profusely. But, when used appropriately, this method is extremely effective. This technique, like the tearing his head off technique, has a very high intimidation factor. Don't be surprised if you here people muttering "Dude I hear that guy can like 'splode people with his thoughts. And he'll frickin do it too, man. So like watch yourself 'cause he's tricksy". This kind of talk is quite common. You should feel proud.
1. Dive through him.
That's right. Literally run at him and dive through his body, sending a shower of internal organs and blood whizzing through the air in your wake. It is especially fun to see a doctor explain this sort of death to the victim's loved ones and relatives at the hospital. "There are only so many ways to say this, so I'm going to get to the point. A man dove through your husband. I'd show the corpse but it is...well....in so many pieces you couldn't even identify it as human without the aid of a forensics team. I would strongly recommend a closed casket funeral". There isn't really a way to explain how to perform this task so I will leave it up to you to figure out. But I will tell you this- You'll want to get a running start.
This method has been around for thousands of years and has actually been used in many cases you may not have been aware of. For example, this is how Hitler died. Many believe that he killed himself but what actually happened was Jesus ascended from heaven and tore his head off. You may say "but I'm no god. I couldn't perform such a feat". But, using my simple step by step instructions, the laborious, troublesome task of tearing a man's head off is as easy as... well... tearing a woman's head off. First, you should place one hand firmly beneath his chin and clutch it forcibly. With our other hand, you should hold the back of his head, applying pressure inward and upward against the skull. Once you have done this, you simply pop the head right off in a quick, turning motion. This technique is best used as a surprise attack from behind but is perhaps even more intimidating when done from the front, in the heat of battle. This attack is rarely necessary but once used is one of the most effective forms of threatening a future adversary. For example, "You lay one more hand on me and I swear on all that is holy, I'll tear your damn head off and eat my breakfast cereal out of you skull". (Note that this approach is especially effective when the head of your previous foe is worn on a necklace or is hanging from your ceiling) Who is going to challenge that kind of authority? No one, that's who.
4. Punch him in the face so many times that his head is literally just a pool of soft putty-like liquid on the floor (and dripping from your fists).
While one can only speculate what the actual cause of death is in this situation, I would imagine it is probably being hit really hard. Of course, the man would probably be dead long before he got to be completely liquidified but I still consider it necessary. Think of it this way. You murdered him really hard. This death is not a noble one. Reserve this for the greatest scum you ever encounter. If you do, you will find this is probably the most satisfying thing to do to him. After several hours of pounding you may experience lightheadedness and exhaustion. I would strongly implore you to keep going because in the end, you'll be glad you did. If you still have trouble persevering, just think of how the guy your hitting feels. Dead. That's how he feels.
3. Tear his heart out then hand it to him while he's still alive.
I have to accredit Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom for this one, though the latter part was inspired by Dumb and Dumber. This technique is especially effective when used to punish someone for not doing your will. If you happen to be a king or evil medieval sorcerer, this is for you. The procedure is fairly simple. You simply tighten your fingers in a position like that of a claw. You then thrust your hand into the chest of whoever you decided has lost the privilege of having a heart. Now this part is tricky. You only get one shot so be sure to take great care in your aim. Whether or not you hit the heart, he will die anyway but it greatly detracts from the theatrics of the maneuver if you don't actually get the heart. Once you have the heart clutched in you hand within his body, simply pull it out with a slight twisting motion. Then the last step is simply to hand it back to him as you say a snappy and evil one-liner such as "I'm afraid you just don't have your heart in the right place" or "Disheartening, isn't it? You will want to use this in a large gathering to show the consequences for incompetence and/or betrayal. In this technique, appearance is everything so I would recommend practicing on women. Their flesh is much more easily penetrated. It's one of their weaknesses. Also scrawny arms.
2. Stare at him with such ferocity and hatred that you actually bear a whole in him.
I'm sure you know the old saying "She's shooting daggers at you from her eyes". (I only use "she" because any man would literally throw daggers at you). Well this technique takes that one to another level. This approach to murder is a very difficult one. You can only use this technique if you are truly enraged beyond belief. Otherwise, you'll merely cause him to sweat profusely. But, when used appropriately, this method is extremely effective. This technique, like the tearing his head off technique, has a very high intimidation factor. Don't be surprised if you here people muttering "Dude I hear that guy can like 'splode people with his thoughts. And he'll frickin do it too, man. So like watch yourself 'cause he's tricksy". This kind of talk is quite common. You should feel proud.
1. Dive through him.
That's right. Literally run at him and dive through his body, sending a shower of internal organs and blood whizzing through the air in your wake. It is especially fun to see a doctor explain this sort of death to the victim's loved ones and relatives at the hospital. "There are only so many ways to say this, so I'm going to get to the point. A man dove through your husband. I'd show the corpse but it is...well....in so many pieces you couldn't even identify it as human without the aid of a forensics team. I would strongly recommend a closed casket funeral". There isn't really a way to explain how to perform this task so I will leave it up to you to figure out. But I will tell you this- You'll want to get a running start.