I has a problem

Thanks to my redneck heritage my genes have cursed me with an exceptionally hairy ...eh...rearend. It's become such an annoyance and unhygenic (too many dingleberrys) that I've resorted to shaving it, but after a few days it starts to itch and its uncomfortable to sit down or even to walk, feels like sitting on sandpaper or the scratchy side of velcro.

Any ideas how to deal with this problem?

How DO you shave your ass? I can't exactly see back there and I don't know about putting sharp objects in hard to reach places.