Name: Anonymous 2007-06-25 13:29 ID:r2onQD49
Sorry. That's all I seem to say to myself nowadays. Always sorry. Sorry for doing this, sorry for saying that. Then I go and do it all again. I'm never really sorry. I just tell myself that so I don't feel guilty.
It's happened again. I'm getting tired of this. Someone discovers some utter fuckwit who think it's fun to photoshop pictures of Amy in porn. I get worked up, I get other people worked up, we'll take the bastard out, I'll feel good about myself, then it'll happen all over again in a couple of weeks' time. For every shithead that gets taken down, I feel like there's ten more taking his (or depressingly, sometimes her) place. And I just keep going like some stupid fucking robot. Sometimes I've not even bothered to check the sites first to see if there's a legitimate case against them, I just plough ahead right away because 'that's what I have to do'. But no matter how many I - or as the last few cases have been, we - take out, there's always someone else to deal with. It's like someone's playing some sick game with me, testing me to see how long I last before I just give up. And to be honest, I don't know how much longer I can last. I'm tired of always having some eejit to deal with. I'm tired of getting so depressed every few days because yet again someone has found some brainless tosser. Then whenever I think "hey you know what, fuck this one, I can't be bothered", I just feel guilty. I'm tired of always feeling either guilty, depressed, angry or just plain upset. I was happy until half an hour ago. For the first time in ages I'd had a good week. Stuff was going right for a change. Then this happens. Someone finds a picture, then finds a name, then finds a website. So off I go, back into the fray. Off once again to a land full of technical terms I don't fully understand and subject matter that someone like me shouldn't even be dealing with anyway. Off once again to defend someone I don't know and who probably isn't even aware this stuff happens. Off once again to battle against total strangers who actually, haven't done any harm to me.
The worst thing is, I'm a total fake when it comes to this stuff. I'm never 100% sure what any of the terms I use actually mean. Most of the time I just talk my way out of things or bullshit my way to victory. I guess it's a skill I've gotten pretty good at over the years, convincing people that no matter what bollocks I say it's the truth. It's pretty crappy. It's not like I want to bullshit people or that I purposefully cheat them. And it's not like whatever I say is a flat-out lie either. It's just that I'm guessing half of it and I'm just lucky enough to be able to word myself in such a way that people will mostly believe me. Supersonic, you know that 'oh so legally sound' e-mail I wrote up to send to Wind-Up, asking if it was okay for MLB to host the music files? Well the first time I did that, back when MLB first stated hosting the files, I just guessed most of what I had to write, threw in a few legal terms I thought might be relevent, and hey, I lucked out. Kinda crappy of me eh? Well, all I can say is sorry. Doesn't mean much coming from me really. There is is anyway though, if you want it.
Worst part of this is, I know what's going to happen next. I'll come to a natural finish, writing this. I'll debate for some time whether to actually post it or not. Then I'll post it, and then be up for the rest of what I suppose should now be called the early morning, worrying what people will say. And I'll either get one or two one-liner generic replies or none at all. Then I'll worry if people give a damn about me, or if people are angry at me. Then I'll beat myself up again over it, until the next fuckwit comes along that needs 'dealing with'.
You know sometimes, sometimes I wish I'd never found Evanescence. If only I'd gotten rid of that first song half a second quicker, if only I'd checked the title of the song properly before playing it. Then maybe I wouldn't have left school. Maybe I wouldn't be doing this kinda thing. Maybe I'd have a more successful life, maybe I'd be happier. I certainly would have had an easier life, at the least.
Then I think, no, wait. I just wish Evanescence had never become famous. If they'd never become famous, if they hadn't signed with that fuckwit record label, maybe they'd still be together. Maybe Amy, Ben and David would still be writing together. All this business with these eejits and Amy pictures wouldn't happen. I wouldn't have spent the last six months of my life chasing down people who in all honesty, never did me any actual harm. I would still have my lil' band to listen to and for everyone else to not know. I'd still be able to talk to people about them without some stupid lil' tosser who only knows them because of Bring Me To Life either dissing them for no good reason or asking stupid questions about them. I'd still be able to put on a track and have the comforting thought that this is my band, that there's nobody else in 100 miles who's ever heard this, instead of getting the thought that hey, there's millions of people all around the world who listen to this. I'd still be able to curl up in bed at night and not worry about what people out there are doing to pictures of Amy or what critics are saying. It'd be so much easier if they were still just that little unknown band from Little Rock. I think at the least, Amy and Ben wouldn't have ended on such a sour note.
Sorry me, I fucked up yet again. Sorry me, I'm talking bollocks all over again. Sorry me, I can't do shit right. Sorry me, I'm feeling sorry for myself again. Sorry me, I'm putting myself down again. Sorry anyone that's reading this, making you think I was someone capable rather then this.
One more person I want to say sorry too. She'll never read this, probably not care even if she did read it, but at the least I'd like other people to see this. Sorry Amy, for giving up. Sorry Amy, for failing. And sorry Evanescence, for being such a mess. Everything I've done in the last five years has been for you or because of you. Amy, Ben, David - there's not been a single day in the last half decade when I've not thanked God for you. I'm not normally religious but when it comes to you three, I can't help but thank whatever force must be at work that bought you guys here. There's not been a single moment in what feels like eternity when I've not wanted to just break down crying because of the good that you've done for me. But no matter how hard I've tried so far, no matter how I've felt - this is it, I've broken down. As I sit here, typing this for the world to see, I can only wonder what you'd think and say if you saw this. In some ways I'm happy you'll never see this. On the other hand, it saddens me a great deal. Heh, I guess Super, FS and Haunting will just have to do, if they bother to read this.
Sorry, everyone. I know I'm just some guy in England typing this in a little badly-lit room on his slow, cheap PC at half 6 in the morning. I know there's only three people that ever bother to read this, unless someone from CSN happens to accidently click the link in my signature there. I know Evanescence will never see this, they'll never even hear of me and they wouldn't remember me if I met them again. But I want to say sorry to everyone, to the world, anyway. That's why I'm writing this on here and not somewhere more private like I usually would with this sort of thing.
I'm tired of saying sorry though. I seem to have been born just to say sorry. Maybe it'd be better for everyone - not that many people would give a damn - if I just stopped it, stopped saying sorry, just stopped everything.
Linkin Park - how very apt.
It's happened again. I'm getting tired of this. Someone discovers some utter fuckwit who think it's fun to photoshop pictures of Amy in porn. I get worked up, I get other people worked up, we'll take the bastard out, I'll feel good about myself, then it'll happen all over again in a couple of weeks' time. For every shithead that gets taken down, I feel like there's ten more taking his (or depressingly, sometimes her) place. And I just keep going like some stupid fucking robot. Sometimes I've not even bothered to check the sites first to see if there's a legitimate case against them, I just plough ahead right away because 'that's what I have to do'. But no matter how many I - or as the last few cases have been, we - take out, there's always someone else to deal with. It's like someone's playing some sick game with me, testing me to see how long I last before I just give up. And to be honest, I don't know how much longer I can last. I'm tired of always having some eejit to deal with. I'm tired of getting so depressed every few days because yet again someone has found some brainless tosser. Then whenever I think "hey you know what, fuck this one, I can't be bothered", I just feel guilty. I'm tired of always feeling either guilty, depressed, angry or just plain upset. I was happy until half an hour ago. For the first time in ages I'd had a good week. Stuff was going right for a change. Then this happens. Someone finds a picture, then finds a name, then finds a website. So off I go, back into the fray. Off once again to a land full of technical terms I don't fully understand and subject matter that someone like me shouldn't even be dealing with anyway. Off once again to defend someone I don't know and who probably isn't even aware this stuff happens. Off once again to battle against total strangers who actually, haven't done any harm to me.
The worst thing is, I'm a total fake when it comes to this stuff. I'm never 100% sure what any of the terms I use actually mean. Most of the time I just talk my way out of things or bullshit my way to victory. I guess it's a skill I've gotten pretty good at over the years, convincing people that no matter what bollocks I say it's the truth. It's pretty crappy. It's not like I want to bullshit people or that I purposefully cheat them. And it's not like whatever I say is a flat-out lie either. It's just that I'm guessing half of it and I'm just lucky enough to be able to word myself in such a way that people will mostly believe me. Supersonic, you know that 'oh so legally sound' e-mail I wrote up to send to Wind-Up, asking if it was okay for MLB to host the music files? Well the first time I did that, back when MLB first stated hosting the files, I just guessed most of what I had to write, threw in a few legal terms I thought might be relevent, and hey, I lucked out. Kinda crappy of me eh? Well, all I can say is sorry. Doesn't mean much coming from me really. There is is anyway though, if you want it.
Worst part of this is, I know what's going to happen next. I'll come to a natural finish, writing this. I'll debate for some time whether to actually post it or not. Then I'll post it, and then be up for the rest of what I suppose should now be called the early morning, worrying what people will say. And I'll either get one or two one-liner generic replies or none at all. Then I'll worry if people give a damn about me, or if people are angry at me. Then I'll beat myself up again over it, until the next fuckwit comes along that needs 'dealing with'.
You know sometimes, sometimes I wish I'd never found Evanescence. If only I'd gotten rid of that first song half a second quicker, if only I'd checked the title of the song properly before playing it. Then maybe I wouldn't have left school. Maybe I wouldn't be doing this kinda thing. Maybe I'd have a more successful life, maybe I'd be happier. I certainly would have had an easier life, at the least.
Then I think, no, wait. I just wish Evanescence had never become famous. If they'd never become famous, if they hadn't signed with that fuckwit record label, maybe they'd still be together. Maybe Amy, Ben and David would still be writing together. All this business with these eejits and Amy pictures wouldn't happen. I wouldn't have spent the last six months of my life chasing down people who in all honesty, never did me any actual harm. I would still have my lil' band to listen to and for everyone else to not know. I'd still be able to talk to people about them without some stupid lil' tosser who only knows them because of Bring Me To Life either dissing them for no good reason or asking stupid questions about them. I'd still be able to put on a track and have the comforting thought that this is my band, that there's nobody else in 100 miles who's ever heard this, instead of getting the thought that hey, there's millions of people all around the world who listen to this. I'd still be able to curl up in bed at night and not worry about what people out there are doing to pictures of Amy or what critics are saying. It'd be so much easier if they were still just that little unknown band from Little Rock. I think at the least, Amy and Ben wouldn't have ended on such a sour note.
Sorry me, I fucked up yet again. Sorry me, I'm talking bollocks all over again. Sorry me, I can't do shit right. Sorry me, I'm feeling sorry for myself again. Sorry me, I'm putting myself down again. Sorry anyone that's reading this, making you think I was someone capable rather then this.
One more person I want to say sorry too. She'll never read this, probably not care even if she did read it, but at the least I'd like other people to see this. Sorry Amy, for giving up. Sorry Amy, for failing. And sorry Evanescence, for being such a mess. Everything I've done in the last five years has been for you or because of you. Amy, Ben, David - there's not been a single day in the last half decade when I've not thanked God for you. I'm not normally religious but when it comes to you three, I can't help but thank whatever force must be at work that bought you guys here. There's not been a single moment in what feels like eternity when I've not wanted to just break down crying because of the good that you've done for me. But no matter how hard I've tried so far, no matter how I've felt - this is it, I've broken down. As I sit here, typing this for the world to see, I can only wonder what you'd think and say if you saw this. In some ways I'm happy you'll never see this. On the other hand, it saddens me a great deal. Heh, I guess Super, FS and Haunting will just have to do, if they bother to read this.
Sorry, everyone. I know I'm just some guy in England typing this in a little badly-lit room on his slow, cheap PC at half 6 in the morning. I know there's only three people that ever bother to read this, unless someone from CSN happens to accidently click the link in my signature there. I know Evanescence will never see this, they'll never even hear of me and they wouldn't remember me if I met them again. But I want to say sorry to everyone, to the world, anyway. That's why I'm writing this on here and not somewhere more private like I usually would with this sort of thing.
I'm tired of saying sorry though. I seem to have been born just to say sorry. Maybe it'd be better for everyone - not that many people would give a damn - if I just stopped it, stopped saying sorry, just stopped everything.
Linkin Park - how very apt.