Love Affair (Advice Needed)

It was paycheck day, the only day every two weeks that I actually look forward to seeing. That's how pathetic my life has become. I actually enjoy getting my paycheck and hurrying home so that my wife can give me a sloppy handjob where I will then turn over all my financial earnings over. That's about the only sex I get which is total bullshit. Handjobs from a limp cold hand are disgusting but at this point in my life I'll take anything. And my kids just piss me off so much I tell everyone at work that my balls got cut off in the Vietnam War so I can't have any. That's how fuckin embarrassed I am of them, I'd rather lie for 20 years about this bullshit story where I had to cut off my balls because a tree trunk fell ontop of them and the only way I could escape from underneath it was to slice away at them with a standard issue rusty army knife. In fact I actually that did happened because I never would have had the whinny little shits.

So it was Friday night and I was going to the bank, cash the check, and then hurry on home. I parked my car and strolled inside the bank and very cooly brushed off this bum asking for spare change. I told him to get a job. Little did I know that he would give me "JOB", a very nice one too....

I walked up to the cashier and handed over my measly slip of paper. She looked at my check and was holding back her laughter at the total earnings; I could tell, fucking whore. I wanted to break down that bulletproof glass and just cock slap the shit outta here and I probably would have too; my day was shit. But I was in a hurry to get that sloppy handjob so I took the money, jammed it into my back pocket and walked back outside to my car. That's when the bum approached me and asked me to hand over my wallet.

"I would have just taken some fuckin quarters man! Now imma rob your punk bitch ass. Gimme your fuckin wallet or i'll shank the shit outta you" the bum said.

Needless to say I was surprised about the whole situation. I stuttered for a few seconds stricken with fear and said, "I'm sorry I don't carry a wallet."

"Bullshit I just saw you go into that bank gimme the fuckin cash."
"Well....You see..I'm so flustered I can't remember where I uhh..." my eyes rolled to the back of my head. I was so piss scared that I actually thought that I would faint. The bum saw this and wasn't totally unreasonable about it. He decided that it was taking too long and causing too much of a scene so he was gonna get it from me himself. This stray dog from the back alley of the back walked up to us. He seemed to be amused at what was going on. I guess even he could tell what was going to happen next and was awaiting his moment.

The bum reached into my left pocket and looked furiously through it hoping to get my cash. His hand was so out of control in my pocket that he brushed up against my penis counteless times. Needless to say I was immediately hard and aching to let loose.

"Buuh..buuhh...UGHH...Backpocket! Squeeze it BITCH!" I managed to yell out and the bum seemed startled at my commands but thought I was just trying to get this whole thing over with. Little did he know I wanted it to last as long as possible. He went behind me and squeezed the shit outta my ass cheeks with both hands. Then took out his dentures and nibbled on my earlob with his gums. My shit was fully erect and easily visible; I was even going into brief spasms.

"It's not here faggot" he said. "Where the fuck is it!"

"You didn't check the right pocket. Check the right pocket. Tug on it. My wallets in the shape of a pencil. It's weird I know but if you want it just tug on it." This was going on for like 5 minutes now. I was really surprised at how good he was at tugging on my cock through the right pocket.

"It's really jammed in there!" he said.

"Just keep working it." I was surprised at the vitality and grace of his handjobs. It was a very welcomed difference to those of my wife whose only lasted about 1 minute because I just wanted it over as fast as possible and with her limp grip accompanied by her lame tugs. I was actually enjoying this. The bum pulled so hard that my belt actually broke loose and my pants actually fell off. My cock was so hard that it ripped through my diaper and I was fully exposed out on the street.

I finally let loose with that last tug and my semen just sprayed all over the sidewalk. The stray dog immediately got to his clean up duties. He's such a good dog. The bum was completely freaked out. He just practically made love to me. He stabbed me in the kidneys 2 times and ran away. I didn't know what to feel. Relationships are so complicated. I was in love with him because of his handjob but his stabbing made me think he wasn't the man who I thought he was. I was on the floor in a pool of my blood holding on to life waiting for an ambulance and all the while thinking about this. A garbage truck passed by and helped the dog lap up my mess.

What should I do 4chan? Should I leave my shitty family in pursuit of this new love? I knew he can be a tad cruel sometimes but I can change him!! What do i doooooooooooo?!

This is long, but I'm going to read it.

dear gay penthouse. you'll never believe what happened...

first paragraph seals the deal
FUKIN WIN

I want some of whatever you're smoking.

HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HAHAAHHAHAAHAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHHAHAAHROFLLOLASDHASDAOSKDASDAS

best eva lol

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAMFG
*farts*
AHAHHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA

your demented humor is perfect for this board

Hilarious

Loved it! Someone should collect all these short stories and publish them. "The Cum-Licking Dog Chronicles"

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFAIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

>>3 hahahahahahahahahah exactly what i was thinking

Anyways >>1, please listen to me. Not that it's really related to this thread.
I went to the forest a while ago; you know, jogging?
Well anyways there was an insane number of people there, and I couldn't hide out.
Then, I looked at a note spiked to a tree, and it had "anti-rapists patrolling tonight" written on it.
Oh, the stupidity. Those idiots.
You, don't come to the forest just because you won't get raped, fool.
It's just rape, JUST R-A-P-E for crying out loud.
There're even entire families here. Family of 4, all out for some jogging, huh? How fucking nice.
"Alright, daddy's gonna run really fast." God I can't bear to watch.
You people, I'll rape you in the ass if you go home.
The forest should be a bloody place.
That tense atmosphere, where two guys on opposite sides of the trail can start a fight at any time,
the rape-or-don't-get-any mentality, that's what's great about this place.
Men and boys should screw off and stay home.
Anyways, I was about to jump out and start raping, and then the bastard beside me goes "look at those melons."
Who in the world comments on the busts of females nowadays, you moron?
I want to ask him, "do you REALLY think they are melons?"
I want to interrogate him. I want to interrogate him for roughly an hour.
Are you sure you don't just want to try jumping her?
Coming from a rapist veteran such as myself, the latest trend among us vets is this, organized gang rape.
That's right, organized gang rape. This is the vet's way of raping.
Organized gang rape means less chance of the girl getting away. But on the other hand you get less of her. This is the key.
And then, it's delicious. This is unbeatable.
However, if you do this then there is danger that you'll be marked by the rangers from next time on; it's a double-edged sword.
I can't recommend it to amateurs.
What this all really means, though, is that you >>1, should just gtfo.

What should I do 4chan? Should I leave my shitty family in FURSUIT?

>>14
i lol'd

IF U WERE KILLED TOMORROW, I WOULDNT GO 2 UR FUNERAL CUZ ID B N JAIL 4 KILLIN DA NIGGA THAT KILLED U!
    ..... , ,_____________________
    ..... / `---___________----_____|]
    ...../_==o;;;;;;;;_______|
    .... / ______|
    .....), _(__) /
    ....// (..) ), ----"
    ...//___//
    ..//___//
    .//___//

    WE TRUE HOMIES
    WE RIDE TOGETHER
    WE DIE TOGETHER
    send this GUN to every thread you care about including this one if you care. C how many times you get this, if you get 13 your A TRUE HOMIE

    ..... , ,_____________________
    ..... / `---___________----_____|]
    ...../_==o;;;;;;;;_______|
    .... / ______|
    .....), _(__) /
    ....// (..) ), ----"
    ...//___//
    ..//___//
    .//___//

    ..... , ,_____________________
    ..... / `---___________----_____|]
    ...../_==o;;;;;;;;_______|
    .... / ______|
    .....), _(__) /
    ....// (..) ), ----"
    ...//___//
    ..//___//
    .//___//

That's some shit ascii-work.

This story was fucking EPIC.

YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY TO BEING A TRUE PLAYA 4 LIFE!

..... , ,_____________________
..... / `---___________----_____|]
...../_==o;;;;;;;;_______|
.... / ______|
.....), _(__) /
....// (..) ), ----"
...//___//
..//___//
.//___//

PLAY ON PLAYA PLAYA!

WE TRUE HOMIES
WE RIDE TOGETHER
WE DIE TOGETHER

>>14
Apart from not being funny, even in the random sense that you were going for which was so obviously predictable, I also couldn't follow it. I didn't make sense at for pretty much most of the beginning and only started to near the end. However, this is the point where I really didn't give shit what you wrote because an idiot who can barely make coherent thoughts under absolutely no pressure nor time constraints at all must be fuckin retarded.

I hope for your sake that when you wrote this someone had a fuckin gun to your head because then that would be an excuse for writing that piece of shit garbage that you posted. But even then that would mean that someone would want you to write that. So much so that they actually put a gun to your head. And who would want you write meaningless garbage that isn't even remotely funny and a waste of time..... a conundrum! I'll start working on that; you go play with some blocks or something.   

ONE MORE FOR GOOD LUCK!

    ..... , ,_____________________
    ..... / `---___________----_____|]
    ...../_==o;;;;;;;;_______|
    .... / ______|
    .....), _(__) /
    ....// (..) ), ----"
    ...//___//
    ..//___//
    .//___//

>>24
Allright thanks! I just need 8 more to be a true homie. Any more would be welcome.

>>23
I want to interrogate you. I want to interrogate you for roughly an hour.

>>26
lol now that one was better.

    ..... , ,_____________________
    ..... / `---___________----_____|]
    ...../_==o;;;;;;;;_______|
    .... / ______|
    .....), _(__) /
    ....// (..) ), ----"
    ...//___//
    ..//___//
WE TRUE HOMIES!
WE RIDE TOGETHER.
WE DIE TOGETHER.

7 More till your a true playa for life.

   

OP please let this thread die already...get started on writing a new one; Anonymous demands more dog stories.

>>29 great story nevertheless, but I agree

bump for newfags and GJ etc.

thx for bumpin i literally got hard reading it

try <a href="http://forums.columbus.craigslist.org/?forumID=8010 ">roanticlovesaloon</a>

romantic loving affair advice
just say "norofo"