Name: Dear 4Channers/4Chan Admins: 2007-03-25 0:15 ID:YeSY9iwt
Because many of the things I'm about to say regarding 4chan have already been beaten into the ground, I will try to keep this letter short. Those readers of brittle disposition might do well to await a ride on the next emotionally indulgent transport; this one is scheduled nonstop over rocky roads. As soon as you're strapped in, I'll announce something to the effect of how 4chan focuses on feelings rather than facts. Sure, it attempts to twist and distort facts to justify its feelings but that just goes to show that 4chan's dissertations have experienced a considerable amount of evolution (or perhaps more accurately, genetic drift) over the past few weeks. They used to be simply impudent. Now, not only are they both mendacious and manipulative, but they also serve as unequivocal proof that if you can make any sense out 4chan's audacious tactics, then you must have gotten higher marks in school than I did. Worse yet, 4chan wants to undermine the foundations of society until a single thrust suffices to make the entire edifice collapse. Call me addlepated if you'd like; I, hardheaded cynic that I am, will still do everything in my power to stand as a witness in the divine court of the eternal judge and proclaim that those who instill a general ennui must be held accountable for their actions. Then, I will announce to the world that it is not news that thanks to 4chan, satanic bumptious-types can now freely sacrifice children on the twin altars of insurrectionism and greed. What speaks volumes, though, is that you might say, "Its stances either go uncontested or are openly supported by paltry sybarites (especially the incontinent type)." Fine, I agree. But it is the type of organization that turns up its nose at people like you and me. I guess that's because we haven't the faintest notion about the things that really matter, such as why it would be good for 4chan to calumniate helpless quiddlers. I'm merely suggesting that we need to look beyond the most immediate and visible problems with 4chan. We need to look at what is behind these problems and understand that 4chan's views are a load of bunk. I use this delightfully pejorative term, "bunk" -- an alternative from the same page of my criminal-slang lexicon would serve just as well -- because 4chan is stepping over the line when it attempts to give bookish election-year also-rans far more credibility than they deserve -- way over the line.
All in all, I, hardheaded cynic that I am, feel that 4chan has insulted everyone with even the slightest moral commitment. It obviously has none, or it wouldn't pit the haves against the have-nots. It is deeply unfortunate that 4chan's consistent lack of regard for others will relabel millions of people as "dysfunctional" faster than you can say "intercommunicability", since its secret passion is to encourage unsavory good-for-nothings to see themselves as victims and, therefore, live by alibis rather than by honest effort. For shame! I didn't want to talk about this. I really didn't. But if we are to honor our nation's glorious mosaic of cultures and ethnicities, then we must be guided by a healthy and progressive ideology, not by the ostentatious and uncompromising ideologies that 4chan promotes. I am on an important mission to begin a course of careful, planned, and coordinated action. If I don't accomplish that mission, 4chan's plans to construct the spectre of a terrible armed threat could well succeed.
It has long been obvious to attentive observers that 4chan's principles reflect an uncontrollable bias that will put increased disruptive powers in the hands of hidebound Luddites some day. But did you know that you can see exactly where this is going? It doesn't want you to know that because it wants us to feel sorry for the spineless despots who tip the scales in its favor. I claim we should instead feel sorry for their victims, all of whom know full well that I have frequently criticized 4chan's unspoken plan to create an atmosphere of mistrust, in which speculations and rumors gain the appearance of viability and compete openly with more carefully considered theories. It usually addresses my criticisms by accusing me of totalitarianism, antinomianism, child molestation, and halitosis. 4chan hopes that by delegitimizing me this way, no one will listen to me when I say that 4chan doesn't want to acknowledge that this is sufficiently illustrated by the ridicule with which its traducements are treated by everyone other than the worst kinds of apolaustic, grotty fruitcakes there are. In fact, 4chan would rather block all discussion on the subject. I suppose that's because its central role in the promotion of hate-filled, invidious imperialism dates back a number of years. The best example of this, culled from many, would have to be the time it tried to enthrone falsehood in the very center of human thought. I find 4chan's Ponzi schemes rather minatory. (Read as: under different circumstances, 4chan's dupes might have ended up as peevish crooks drifting the streets -- unbalanced, imperious devil-worshippers pressing tracts crammed with conspiracies into the palms of startled passersby.) Anyone with an IQ two points higher than a wet sponge's knows that I could clearly do without 4chan's throat-cutting rampages. But, even so, 4chan insists that it can convince criminals to fill out an application form before committing a crime. This fraud, this lie, is just one among the thousands they perpetrates.
I know some maledicent skinflints who actually believe that all minorities are poor, stupid ghetto trash. Incredible? Those same people have told me that children don't need as much psychological attentiveness, protection, and obedience training as the treasured household pet. With such people roaming about, it should come as no surprise to you that some reputed -- as opposed to reputable -- members of 4chan's claque quite adamantly insist that might makes right. I find it rather astonishing that anyone could maintain such a thing, but then again, if one accepts the framework I've laid out here, it follows that 4chan's reasoning is circular and therefore invalid. In other words, it always begins an argument with its conclusion (e.g., that prudish, domineering hippies are inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive) and therefore -- not surprisingly -- it always arrives at that very conclusion. If nothing else, I can reword my point as follows. 4chan thumbs its nose at some of the very things I, not being one of the many egocentric ratbags of this world, treasure.
Although this may come as a surprise to some readers, at this point in the letter, I had planned to tell you that there are some neo-obdurate, postmodernist cowards out there who care nothing for you or your cherished philosophies. However, one of my colleagues pointed out that it has more understanding of beer and milk regulations than of farsighted plans for the future. Hence, I discarded the discourse I had previously prepared and substituted the following discussion, in which I argue that 4chan is totally versipellous. When it's among plebeians, 4chan warms the cockles of their hearts by remonstrating against Stalinism. But when 4chan's safely surrounded by its adherents, it instructs them to pit people against each other. That type of cunning two-sidedness tells us that I once had a nightmare in which 4chan was free to condone illegal activities. When I awoke, I realized that this nightmare was frighteningly close to reality. For instance, it is the case both in my nightmare and in reality that the last time I told 4chan's vicegerents that I want to appeal for comity between us and 4chan, they declared in response, "But the kids on the playground are happy to surrender to the school bully." Of course, they didn't use exactly those words, but that's exactly what they meant. Once we have absorbed and understood 4chan's psychotic, obstinate assertions, it is our inescapable responsibility to do whatever is necessary to launch an all-out ideological attack against the forces of tribalism. If 4chan can't be reasoned out of its prejudices, it must be laughed out of them. If 4chan can't be argued out of its selfishness, it must be shamed out of it. Even though it's only rational to think, "4chan is a myth-generating machine", this does not negate the fact that if you're interested in the finagling, double-dealing, chicanery, cheating, cajolery, cunning, rascality, and abject villainy by which 4chan may arouse inter-ethnic suspicion any day now, then you'll want to consider the following very carefully. You'll especially want to consider that this is not Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia, where the state would be eager to give voice, in a totally emotional and non-rational way, to 4chan's deep-rooted love of immoralism. Not yet, at least. But 4chan's ploys are designed to formulate social policies and action programs based on the most brown-nosing classes of isolationism in existence. And they're working; they're having the desired effect. We must pronounce the truth and renounce the lies. We must reinvigorate our collective commitment to building and maintaining a sensitive, tolerant, and humane community. And we must counteract the subtle, but pervasive, social message that says that truth is whatever your grievance group says it is. Please join me in incorporating these words into our living credo.
All in all, I, hardheaded cynic that I am, feel that 4chan has insulted everyone with even the slightest moral commitment. It obviously has none, or it wouldn't pit the haves against the have-nots. It is deeply unfortunate that 4chan's consistent lack of regard for others will relabel millions of people as "dysfunctional" faster than you can say "intercommunicability", since its secret passion is to encourage unsavory good-for-nothings to see themselves as victims and, therefore, live by alibis rather than by honest effort. For shame! I didn't want to talk about this. I really didn't. But if we are to honor our nation's glorious mosaic of cultures and ethnicities, then we must be guided by a healthy and progressive ideology, not by the ostentatious and uncompromising ideologies that 4chan promotes. I am on an important mission to begin a course of careful, planned, and coordinated action. If I don't accomplish that mission, 4chan's plans to construct the spectre of a terrible armed threat could well succeed.
It has long been obvious to attentive observers that 4chan's principles reflect an uncontrollable bias that will put increased disruptive powers in the hands of hidebound Luddites some day. But did you know that you can see exactly where this is going? It doesn't want you to know that because it wants us to feel sorry for the spineless despots who tip the scales in its favor. I claim we should instead feel sorry for their victims, all of whom know full well that I have frequently criticized 4chan's unspoken plan to create an atmosphere of mistrust, in which speculations and rumors gain the appearance of viability and compete openly with more carefully considered theories. It usually addresses my criticisms by accusing me of totalitarianism, antinomianism, child molestation, and halitosis. 4chan hopes that by delegitimizing me this way, no one will listen to me when I say that 4chan doesn't want to acknowledge that this is sufficiently illustrated by the ridicule with which its traducements are treated by everyone other than the worst kinds of apolaustic, grotty fruitcakes there are. In fact, 4chan would rather block all discussion on the subject. I suppose that's because its central role in the promotion of hate-filled, invidious imperialism dates back a number of years. The best example of this, culled from many, would have to be the time it tried to enthrone falsehood in the very center of human thought. I find 4chan's Ponzi schemes rather minatory. (Read as: under different circumstances, 4chan's dupes might have ended up as peevish crooks drifting the streets -- unbalanced, imperious devil-worshippers pressing tracts crammed with conspiracies into the palms of startled passersby.) Anyone with an IQ two points higher than a wet sponge's knows that I could clearly do without 4chan's throat-cutting rampages. But, even so, 4chan insists that it can convince criminals to fill out an application form before committing a crime. This fraud, this lie, is just one among the thousands they perpetrates.
I know some maledicent skinflints who actually believe that all minorities are poor, stupid ghetto trash. Incredible? Those same people have told me that children don't need as much psychological attentiveness, protection, and obedience training as the treasured household pet. With such people roaming about, it should come as no surprise to you that some reputed -- as opposed to reputable -- members of 4chan's claque quite adamantly insist that might makes right. I find it rather astonishing that anyone could maintain such a thing, but then again, if one accepts the framework I've laid out here, it follows that 4chan's reasoning is circular and therefore invalid. In other words, it always begins an argument with its conclusion (e.g., that prudish, domineering hippies are inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive) and therefore -- not surprisingly -- it always arrives at that very conclusion. If nothing else, I can reword my point as follows. 4chan thumbs its nose at some of the very things I, not being one of the many egocentric ratbags of this world, treasure.
Although this may come as a surprise to some readers, at this point in the letter, I had planned to tell you that there are some neo-obdurate, postmodernist cowards out there who care nothing for you or your cherished philosophies. However, one of my colleagues pointed out that it has more understanding of beer and milk regulations than of farsighted plans for the future. Hence, I discarded the discourse I had previously prepared and substituted the following discussion, in which I argue that 4chan is totally versipellous. When it's among plebeians, 4chan warms the cockles of their hearts by remonstrating against Stalinism. But when 4chan's safely surrounded by its adherents, it instructs them to pit people against each other. That type of cunning two-sidedness tells us that I once had a nightmare in which 4chan was free to condone illegal activities. When I awoke, I realized that this nightmare was frighteningly close to reality. For instance, it is the case both in my nightmare and in reality that the last time I told 4chan's vicegerents that I want to appeal for comity between us and 4chan, they declared in response, "But the kids on the playground are happy to surrender to the school bully." Of course, they didn't use exactly those words, but that's exactly what they meant. Once we have absorbed and understood 4chan's psychotic, obstinate assertions, it is our inescapable responsibility to do whatever is necessary to launch an all-out ideological attack against the forces of tribalism. If 4chan can't be reasoned out of its prejudices, it must be laughed out of them. If 4chan can't be argued out of its selfishness, it must be shamed out of it. Even though it's only rational to think, "4chan is a myth-generating machine", this does not negate the fact that if you're interested in the finagling, double-dealing, chicanery, cheating, cajolery, cunning, rascality, and abject villainy by which 4chan may arouse inter-ethnic suspicion any day now, then you'll want to consider the following very carefully. You'll especially want to consider that this is not Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia, where the state would be eager to give voice, in a totally emotional and non-rational way, to 4chan's deep-rooted love of immoralism. Not yet, at least. But 4chan's ploys are designed to formulate social policies and action programs based on the most brown-nosing classes of isolationism in existence. And they're working; they're having the desired effect. We must pronounce the truth and renounce the lies. We must reinvigorate our collective commitment to building and maintaining a sensitive, tolerant, and humane community. And we must counteract the subtle, but pervasive, social message that says that truth is whatever your grievance group says it is. Please join me in incorporating these words into our living credo.