/lounge/ - Issues of intimacy and making the first move

Name: Anonymous 2006-01-26 21:41

I was never a very sociable person at all. In fact, my middle school and high school years were a virtual social coma. At any one time, I'd have a handful of acquaintances that I'd see and talk to regularly either before school, during a class, and/or during lunch (and possibly later on AIM), but I never participated in any real form of socializing outside of school, save for the swimming and track teams during my last two years of HS. I think my disposition was a result of being rejected throughout middle school and 9th grade because I was an intensely hyperactive and weird kid, so that even after I had grown up and gotten myself out of the hole I couldn't bring myself to try again.

Since 8th grade, there have always been sporadic ocassions where I'd know certain (good-looking) girls were attracted to me, so I was relieved to know that I wasn't entirely abhorrent. But I've always dealt with a crippling lack of confidence/self-esteem, largely due to a persistent case of mild acne that began in 9th grade (though it's been marginalized significantly now), a less-than-impressive physique (not fat, just flabby), and the fact that I was one of the few people in my grade still getting dropped off and picked up by his parents while everyone else had their own personal transportation.

I kind of redeemed myself when I changed schools for my senior year and began a clean slate but I was still tragically shy and my attempts to talk to approach girls with non-platonic intentions usually ended in a trainwreck of jumbled ideas, awkward encounters and incoherent stuttering speech. I was able to talk to at least three (freshman) girls on the phone after getting their numbers, but they all quickly crashed and burned for one reason or another. The one that seemed to be going the best by far came to an abrupt halt either because the girl or her parents felt uncomfortable about dealing with someone three years older than her (even though I was really only two years older, but that's another story).

I also began weight training for the first time in the middle of my senior year. Throughout the latter half of year, I exercised regularly (including running 2.5 miles per weekday, though I had done that the year before as well to lose weight) and even though I never really bulked up or got ripped, I was able to develop my muscles. I kept at it in the summer that followed, but when I began college I gradually lost motivation until I stopped going altogether and eventually cancelled my subscription.

So I graduated from my second high school with much-improved social prospects and some initial experience in talking to girls. During my first semester of college, I joined a newly-revived fraternity along with an old friend from my first high school. Soon after, I had my first drunken experience during the frat's first party that semester. Since my friend lived on-campus, I was there semi-regularly for dorm parties or just hanging out, becoming more and more accustomed to the taste of alcohol. The day of my 18th birthday, I bought my first pack of cigarettes and have been smoking on and off since. I established a new network of acquaintances (mostly Greeks) in addition to the people I met in the university's Honors College. I was introduced to karaoke, which I have since been hooked on. Some months later (a couple days short of initiation) I dropped from the fraternity due to pressure from my parents, though I've retained another good friend I probably wouldn't have met otherwise. I'm also cool with the guys in it who know me, or at least I like to think that I am.

Fast forward a couple of years later: for all intents and purposes, my social life is back to where it was at the end of high school, except that now I have my own car to go places. Thanks to the U.S.'s wonderful prudish heritage, I'm barred from going to most bars and clubs and buying drinks either for myself or a lady (though I'll hit 21 in a little less than a year). I rarely talk to my old HS friend outside of AIM (though that may change very soon), and the other friend from the fraternity just left on an eight-month internship in Minnesota. About a year ago, I picked up the habit of drinking alone in deserted and obscured parking spots to relieve my crippling shyness and awkwardness, should I happen to engage in conversation with an attractive girl later on that night. So far, though, the effort has been pretty futile as I've rarely been approached for anything other than bumming or lighting up a cigarette. On top of that, the overwhelming noise of such settings makes it difficult (at least for me) to carry a casual conversation that lasts more than a minute.

I had my first kiss during last year's Memorial Day weekend on a trip to a nearby beach resort. The girl had been aggressively pursuing me throughout the night, and in retrospect I can only hope it was because she was genuinely attracted to me and not just tipsy or drunk. The moment itself was pretty awkward since I wasn't too sure how to go about it, and I think I ended up scaring the girl away as a result of my insecurity (which I had made blatantly obvious while we were talking afterwards). I was so hung up on my failure that I completely forgot to get her phone number before she went back to her room for the night, and even though she goes to my school I haven't seen her since.

About a month after that incident, I went to a scenester-type club downtown (synthpop, garage rock, etc.) with a group of people. Since I was low on cigarettes, I had bummed a few cloves from another guy before going inside. While I was enjoying the first one, some girl approached me and asked for a clove, so I gave her one. She then asked me where I was able to find them (they're Djarum Blacks, nothing special) and I nervously tried to indicate a particular headshop near my school. It was only later that I realized she was actually trying to hit on me. So a little while after she went away, another girl (apparently from the same group as the last one) approached me and also asked for a clove. I was down to my last one, and it had been broken at the filter. At first we tried to share it, but barely got any smoke out of it. Eventually she tore off the filter and we finished it. By that point I had realized she was pretty intoxicated, but desperate as I was, I kept playing along. So we move to the dancefloor, and she keeps hugging me and grabbing on to me.

I forgot to mention earlier of how I dread the moment a girl starts to get touchy-feely with me, because my penis infallibly starts becoming engorged and possibly erect if given enough time. Anyway, within ten minutes, she lets me kiss her once. Now I don't remember my first kiss well enough to judge how good it was, but I can say with certainty that this one was probably a lot worse, if not the worst. All I remember of this one was shoving my face into hers and slobbering into her mouth. She later let me kiss her again, and this time I could distinctly recall taking strands of her hair out of my mouth because they were in the way when I was kissing her, which I found pretty disgusting. Sure enough, moments after that she pushed me away, said "I'm alright," and left the floor. I didn't even bother to follow after her; I concluded that my poor excuse for "game" scared her away much like what had happened a month ago.

This dilemma is going to doom me to loneliness for the rest of my life. I hate having to make the first move, because 1) I subject myself to looking like a total retard in public (especially if I'm talking to her in a non-crowded area), and 2) I run the risk of having to see the same girl more than once if I return to the same location, which makes things pretty awkward. I'm also extremely uncomfortable with having to get intimate and touchy-feely with women, even if they are attracted to me, because I'm not familiar at all with the business of caressing or gripping parts of other people's bodies. I'm very mindful of others' personal physical spaces, so I wouldn't know how and to what degree the girl would expect me to react to her own advances.

I know it's all a matter of confidence, and that's what really attracts women, yadda yadda. I'm not really looking for advice, just a place to spill my guts. Enjoy them, and uh...discuss.

Name: Anonymous 2006-01-26 21:45

As an addendum, I know "the friend zone" all too well.

Name: Anonymous 2006-01-27 1:41

tl;dr

Name: Anonymous 2006-01-27 2:37

yeah. the friend zone is a very painful place to be in T_T hey the insecurity can be charming to some people. I think that if you really want to change you can! but the question is do you want to change?

Name: Anonymous 2006-01-27 3:19

Stop calling it the friend zone. Fuck.

Name: Anonymous 2006-01-27 5:20

Well, at least you have girls showing interest in you!

Name: Anonymous 2006-01-27 7:03 (sage)

On a side note, this guy just wrote a fucking undergrad-essay-length piece on being a loser. That has to be first...

Name: Anonymous 2006-01-27 13:37

Not really. World4ch has had its share of treatieses and essays.

I kinda share that experience. Just different time scale, minus the Greek part, etc. Maybe I should start smoking again? :D

Anyway, insecurity is fine, but you have to make it into your selling point. Use it to make yourself to seem mysterious and intriguing.

And if all else fails, stick it in her pooper.
~Dr. Misogynist.

Name: Anonymous 2006-01-27 15:51

haha stick it in her pooper :P

Name: Anonymous 2006-01-27 17:29 (sage)

>>1
>>8

Same person.

Name: Anonymous 2006-01-27 19:23

>>1
tldr kill yourself

Name: Anonymous 2006-01-28 21:20

tl;dr, whatever you said, she's probably a bitch that wants to use you while she lays just about any scum she doesn't know, and will never give pussy because she knows you and that would be half rational. She's not worth it.

Name: Anonymous 2006-01-28 21:40

>>12

that's actually how I feel about my girl!

Name: Anonymous 2006-01-29 1:43

1) When you walk, carry yourself confidently
2) Start speaking in a low voice
3) Get an afro
4) ?????
5) PROFIT

Name: Anonymous 2008-09-07 12:53

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