Best Job Evar

You know what the best job ever would be? 

Special Education teacher. 

At this point, you're probably thinking I'm crazy, but hear me out.  You'll always have a story to tell.  A new story to tell.  You'll have fucking a hundred new stories to tell every day.  Fuck confidentiality, these retards will never be able to explain to their lawyer what's wrong.  And these will be great stories, too.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, is as creative as a retarted kid.  Granted, 90% of what they say is random crap, but that means the other 10% is actually useful.  Even the smartest comedians would have to think long and hard to come up with the random retard nugget, "Eat bird crush now!"

And you could never get fired for poor performance.  You'd have to beat and abuse the retards to get fired.  You'd never have to teach them anything.  They're retarded, nobody expects them to ever learn anything.  No matter how much your classroom gets messed up, you can always blame it on the reeree!

>>2
You make sure you have really good hygene, and a good immune system.  If you don't have the latter, you will after a few months of teaching reetees.  Grab a roll of paper towels, and for those boogers and fecees, have some of that no-water-needed soap.  It's worth it to see reetees in full action, and have stories to tell until you die.