Please help me (Japanese)

Hi 4chan,

I would like to speak a few simple Japanese sentences and really need your help. I tried online translation tools but I need the romanized words to pronounce it.

Really appreciate any help. Please help me translate these:

Hi, this is a gift for you. I hope you will like it. Happy valentine's day.

>>1
If you're giving a gift to a Japanese woman, it'd better be your dick-in-a-box.

>>10 has it pretty good. You can't translate it literally. You have to do something along the lines of
kore...tumaranai mono desu ga, douzo...agemasu yo
you'll probably have to say douzo a few more times as you do that whole ridiculous Asian refuse and accept dance.

Note that I wrote this out in romaji because, since you have no idea how to give gifts in Japanese, you probably cannot read even kana. Also, I made the assumption that you are not super chummy pals with this person, but would still use a bit of formality.

Oh yeah, and I do speak Japanese fluently.