Name: SBFEHatesImittators 2011-07-28 19:58
I am gay and have lately developed an obsessive crush or deep desire and adoration on my straight friend.?
To fully understand the complexity of my feelings i feel its necessary to know the context of it.
Mine and his relationship started off as something quite contrary. I've known him ever since i started high school and the relationship has been interesting, off-putting and has evolved so much. He and myself have changed so much. In early high school i befriended him out of sympathy as he was quite a social outcast; however i never really wanted to associate too much with him. He began starting to hang around with me and my friend and i (very immaturely and much regrettably) began seeing him as some kind of a threat. I then began teasing, ridiculing and making fun of him mostly for the entertainment of our group.
Feeling how i do now, i don't know how i ever brought myself to do this; at the same time my adoration and ecstasy for him... in some ways can be related to my absolute disgust at what i did to him. Now..feeling sympathetic to him and what he went through all i feel is appreciation and love for him.
Going back to the past and my hell bent attitude to disempower him continued until i realised how much he had changed as a person. My attitude of bullying blinded me from how he was changing and reforming into a really beautiful person. When i finally stopped doing this and started to build some integrity i have become un-measureably compelled to him.
I feel he needs me and i need him;but he is definitely straight and nobody, including him knows i'm gay plus he is borderline homo-phobic.
I love him so much..i feel this is unhealthy as it dominates certain aspects of my life; i just feel like i am so alone even when surrounded by other friends and family; often what keeps me going is the thought of going to school and spending some degree of time with him; even if its just luxuriating in the presence of him sitting next to me in class.
I feel unhealthy and insane.. i want to get over him but i also don't want to get over him. I know other people won't understand entirely how i feel...but seriously WHAT ON EARTH SHOULD I DO! This is starting to ruin my life!
To fully understand the complexity of my feelings i feel its necessary to know the context of it.
Mine and his relationship started off as something quite contrary. I've known him ever since i started high school and the relationship has been interesting, off-putting and has evolved so much. He and myself have changed so much. In early high school i befriended him out of sympathy as he was quite a social outcast; however i never really wanted to associate too much with him. He began starting to hang around with me and my friend and i (very immaturely and much regrettably) began seeing him as some kind of a threat. I then began teasing, ridiculing and making fun of him mostly for the entertainment of our group.
Feeling how i do now, i don't know how i ever brought myself to do this; at the same time my adoration and ecstasy for him... in some ways can be related to my absolute disgust at what i did to him. Now..feeling sympathetic to him and what he went through all i feel is appreciation and love for him.
Going back to the past and my hell bent attitude to disempower him continued until i realised how much he had changed as a person. My attitude of bullying blinded me from how he was changing and reforming into a really beautiful person. When i finally stopped doing this and started to build some integrity i have become un-measureably compelled to him.
I feel he needs me and i need him;but he is definitely straight and nobody, including him knows i'm gay plus he is borderline homo-phobic.
I love him so much..i feel this is unhealthy as it dominates certain aspects of my life; i just feel like i am so alone even when surrounded by other friends and family; often what keeps me going is the thought of going to school and spending some degree of time with him; even if its just luxuriating in the presence of him sitting next to me in class.
I feel unhealthy and insane.. i want to get over him but i also don't want to get over him. I know other people won't understand entirely how i feel...but seriously WHAT ON EARTH SHOULD I DO! This is starting to ruin my life!