wannabe writer.. again.

back with more OC, this time i'm on my pc, so the text should be more readable.
P.S. this was mostly based on a dream.

Please rate this text:

It was Max's first day on the job, he was now working for his uncle John, Max didn't fancy his uncle John much, he would beat Max whenever he saw a reason to. Max and John live together in a small house outside of the city, Max had his room in the attic, the walls were crooked and you didn't have to be much taller than Max before you've hit the ceiling, but Max liked it, his uncle never came up to him, so for Max this was the most coziest room in the entire house.
On his first day, Max was ordered by his uncle to pull all the eels out of a grinding boot, his uncle showed him the boat and then told him :

"You should pull each eel out by hand. You must not use any tools"

Then his uncle went back to his metal shed, 3 floors high with windows on the bottom and the top floor.
Max was only 8, so this kind of work was well suited for him, he just didn't like it, neither was there much else he could do, without supervision. Max took of his clothes, his pants, his little tank top and left his socks and his underpants on, he wouldn't want to be completely naked, neither did he want to work on the rough industrial ground in bare feet. He placed his clothes on top of a large rock some meters away, he didn't fold them together or anything like that, Max didn't know how to, his uncle had not taught him much at all, only the most basic of basics, since his uncle John didn't want to spend time with him, whenever his uncle had guest or any other form of company, he would lock Max inside the attic and unlock the door again a half hour after his company have left.

Max grabbed a eel, that was stuck on the giant grinder, he pulled with all his strength and then he slipped, he fell backwards and landed on his back, a few of the senior workers that walked past laughed at him. Max with few tears in his eyes, took on a sour expression on his face and got up, he was completely brown on his back and on his underpants, the dry dust of the industrial yard had quickly taken on to him, Max padded the dust from his back and from his person, he couldn't get all of it off. Max looked down on his hands, the dust from his back and the slimy glue from the eel had mixed together and had dried up, it felt as if Max wore a pair of heavy gloves covered in sandy spikes. Max tried again, grabbing the same eel as before, it felt different this time around, the eel was slipping out of his hands, it was like crapping grabbing a rock, it didn't go anywhere. Max pulled the eel out throwing it on the ground behind him, eventually stacking a good pile up with all the eels from the grinder boat.
The Sun was beginning to set and Max was sitting on a rock in his underwear, it was still warm outside and Max was getting hungry, he couldn't find his uncle in his metal shack earlier, after he had completed his task he went back to the grinder boat and waiting for his uncle. Max had gotten thirsty from his task and was enjoying a bottle of water, he had taken from one of the senior workers.

Max looked out at the horizon, the ocean was calm today, the weather was perfect for him to sneak away and go diving for shells, Max had a whole collection of shells he had collected from the ocean floor, he hid some in his little attic room and the rest in a remote cave, that only could be entered by diving underwater and then dive into it.

I liked the part where the dust and the eel slime was described as feeling like a pair of heavy gloves, but otherwise it was a 2/10. You need to stop your run-on sentences, reading that was like getting punched in the brain. Keep writing, and proofread. Don't turn something in until you've read through it 3 times and fixed at least one thing each read through.

I can dig.

You have the imagination and I can see that you have a story in mind... But your execution of it is quite poor. You tend to trail sentences with endless commas, which makes it very difficult to read. You go from describing what he is wearing to how is uncle raised and treated him - all in the same sentence. You use commas for parentheses and then more commas for a parenthesis with a parenthesis. Try to map out your story line using a flow chart, and use descriptions no more than once in a sentence. Spread the details out so that I am not constantly being interrupted by details jammed into the sentence.

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Edit your work with the phrase 'Show, don't tell' in mind.
Rather than just saying Max's uncle beats him, have his uncle cuff him upside the head as he walks by.
Don't just say what's happening, either. Talk about the things Max is feeling. We'll get what's going on (ergo, his first day on the job), as you take us through what he's doing.

"like crapping grabbing a rock, it didn't go anywhere".
What does this mean? Is their a shitting golem in the room?
Meanwhile, I have a echoing phrase in my head:
http://youtu.be/PQyuvg1dBHk
Kill the phonies.

The first paragraph all I could read was:

>Max John Max John Max Max John Max Max Max Max
Stop that.

And as a rule of thumb, try having only one comma in a sentence unless you know what you're doing.

>>9
Also, this.

>>1

Unless you are an women, you wouldn't be the best writers - http://belindawilliamsbooks.com/2013/02/12/fact-women-are-more-successful-self-published-authors

Content Professor : http://www.contentprofessor.com

too many commas bro, it hurt my inner voice

run on sentences must die.

>>1

Try romance novel writing : http://www.mediabistro.com/Romance-Novel-Writing-crs8092.html