So, I read the prologue... It has an ok first paragraph, but afterwords it seems to drag, as if you're not really getting into the action. You switch between tenses too much, making some parts hard to understand. There are some capitals missing. Also, your characters seem rather flat.
I could be misjudging, though, since I've only just begun to read.
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Anonymous2010-12-22 0:40
Okay, so the first chapter. Too much stilted dialogue, brah. Also, you've got some big grammar problems, but that's fixable. I'm still not quite feeling your character, Brigitte. The chapter itself really feels too short.
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Anonymous2010-12-22 0:48
Second Chapter: Same problems; too much dialogue, not enough action. Cut to the chase more, ok?
This chapter could easily be joined up with the first. Also, her not noticing that she was not a house kind of makes her look, well, stupid.
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Anonymous2010-12-22 0:55
Third Chapter:First off, show, don't tell. Instead of 'telling' "John looked a bit 27 and had a very clean shaven face and wore glasses" try to 'show' him... i don't know, cleaning his glasses or something. Like this, maybe:
"So who should the dealer be?" Larry asked. "John, how about you?"
John's eyes grew wide behind his thick frames. "You know my luck with dealing!" he said. "I always get bad hands! Why not Vlad?"
See? Show, don't tell.
Also, once again there's too much unnecessary dialogue.
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Anonymous2010-12-22 0:59
Fourth Chapter: ...And now she realizes she's not wearing a bra. I'm starting to wonder if you meant her to be stupid. Also, for someone who doesn't seem to believe in gambling for the most part, she plays damn well. Maybe it's beginners luck, or something? I think this needs a bit of clarification.
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Anonymous2010-12-22 1:02
Fifth chapter: WTF just happened!? I have no clue, I'm lost. Why is the little fag crying? Secrets? Huh?
Maybe I haven't been reading carefully enough, but this seems completely random.
Also, I don't really see why this is divided into chapters in this way. This chapter is too small to exist.
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Anonymous2010-12-22 1:06
Chapter 6 & 7: Ok, I'm staring to wonder if this has anything to do with Christmas whatsoever. Also, they've never had sex, and they're married? "He seemed a little bit eccentric?" I'm starting to loose faith in you, Anon...
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Anonymous2010-12-22 1:15
Wow, your men are very, very emotional, to the point of being unrealistic. Also, when your workplace is going to be turned into a strip joint or it's going to move, you usually know about it a while before it closes down.
So, quote: ""Sniffle...see you..." I walked out the door and went back to the car. "Does it end here? This was just a December morning wasted."" She literally says all this out loud? Think, can you see yourself actually saying this? Maybe she sniffled, but I doubt she actually says, "Sniffle."
Also, too much description of the strip bar. Please tone down the OMG MALE STRIPPERS and OMG FOOD BAR! Also, too much taco stand talk.
"Bridgey" is starting to get on my nerves.
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Anonymous2010-12-22 1:26
Sorry, previous post was for C.s 8 and 9.
Chapter 10: Ok, so now we find out that it's almost Christmas. Good.
And then... Haywood the Hopeless reappears. Oh, joy. Honey, this guy needs some major work.
Tip: Less dialogue, more action AND description. I forgot to mention this before, but you've got to show your readers where the dialogue and action is taking place. Does "Heavenly Games" look run-down or trashed, or is it bright and friendly, with the exception of the shattered counter? When Haywood "looks sad," is he "half-heartedly rubbing a band-aid on his arm," or is he "hurriedly wiping tears off his face with his sleeve?"
Also, Bridge is suffering from some serious double-standards.
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Anonymous2010-12-22 1:33
Chapter 11:
Unrealistic moment:She arrives, and everything has suddenly changed. No "day off work for renovations," or anything. Sure.
Ok, so the place is "so different and nice." But what did it look like in the first place, and what does it look like now?
See if you can cut some things like the visit to the thrift shop and some of the "Ushanka" talk, or better yet, the whole hat shop. It doesn't seem important.
One last thing: The first day of Christmas is Christmas Day. what day did you have in mind exactly?
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Anonymous2010-12-22 1:37
Chapter 12: Ok, so she just happens to deliver to the strip club on her first round, and is offered a job on the spot. She does not want this job, despite trying to get an application for it earlier. Huh? Big unrealistic moment.
This chapter just... Oh, dear. Oh, dear. I'm not even going to begin to write about it.
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Anonymous2010-12-22 1:39
Chapter 13: Ok, this is probably the best chapter so far, in terms of writing. I still don't see the point, though.
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Anonymous2010-12-22 1:49
Chapter 14: Alright. So, I've been trying not to write this for a while, but I'm going to now. "Bridgey" darling is showing some symptoms of the dreaded Mary Sue. Redeemable, I think, but you might want to give her some serious character adjustments.
Larry seems like a little kid.
Chapter 15: Oh, so Cass was wearing a wig. Now I get it. You might want to make that a bit more obvious earlier on for all the blind dumbasses like me. :-)
This is beginning to read like an RPG. Go to store --> Find Cass --> To get watch, you must buy hat --> Buy hat --> Get watch. All a bit too predictable, really.
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Anonymous2010-12-22 1:56
Chapter 16: Larry: metro or gay? Who knows. Certainly, Bridgey is more masculine than he is.
Once again, this scene needs a big helping of show, don't tell. Also, the color of the scarves and the type of the hats probably doesn't matter that much. Maybe restrict the details to the Ushanka, because you introduced it earlier on. In any case, I don't think so much gift description is necessary.
Wow, she must be some kind of wizard if she can dye her hair that fast.
Chapter 17: And there is no sex. You should find a less jarring way to lampshade the lack of sex, because as it is, it just seems odd. Also, I'm pretty damn sure Larry is the wife here.
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Anonymous2010-12-22 2:16
So, my final verdict is:
The story is just about salvageable. Please take into account the writing tips I've given you. Make your characters more realistic.
One radical idea that just might work: Make Larry a woman and Brigitte a man. (Just an idea, though. Don't bother if you don't think it'll work.)
Work out exactly what your story needs. Pare it down to the bare essentials, and build up the setting with good descriptions. Give your characters actions too, so they don't seem like cardboard cutouts murmuring lines to no-body in particular.
Fix the Chapters. In the story's present state, you can have about three. My recommendation: try to cut it down to about 6000 words, and eliminate chapter divisions entirely.
Christmas stories tend to focus on a Character changing or learning a valuable lesson of some kind. Think about what Bridgey's experiences might have taught her. Make her more dynamic.
All in all, good job for getting as far as you have! Tweak it a bit, and you might be on to something pretty decent. Sorry if I've been harsh at times, I hope you don't become disheartened. Keep writing, and you'll naturally improve. :-)
I recommend for you to read this story: http://www[dot]online-literature[dot]com/donne/1014/
It's by O.Henry, and is called "The Gift of the Magi." It's lovely, though old, and the basic outline of your story reminds me of it a little. I hope you like it. Merry Christmas!