I need some editing advice.

I wrote this composition a while back and I was wondering if I could get some rhetorical analyzing.

http://conventionalmusing.blogspot.com/2010/02/heroin.html

Here's a link to where I have it posted.

If you don't want to click on the link here's the first half.

Heroin
Distant buzzing. Get up. Get up. No. Fall back into the incoherent wave of bliss. Louder, louder, louder. Shock. Bolt upright. Confusion, bewilderment, haze. You're in a room. Which room? Your room you dumb shit. Stumble to the bathroom. Throw up. Piss. Drink water. Nagging itch, left forearm. Mosquito? Smack. Pain. Fuck, the needle. Rip it out. Rip it out! What's a matter with you. Don't just stand there staring like it's the fucking Eiffel tower. Jesus. Hollow, empty pain. Hunger? Walk to the fridge. Shit, no food. Ignore it, more important things to do. Shuffle to the door, open it, break free from the suffocating darkness, right into the reeking, murky dusk. Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot. Paranoid glances. Everyone and no one is watching. Must find money. No more friends, no more family. One option. The last option. Fuck, I promised myself I would never do this again. Keep walking. They will come to you. Stare into their eyes. Young, blue, naive. No, definitely not. Keep walking. Old, frail, understanding. Tear away. Gasp with emotion. You don't know me, don't fucking pity me.

>>2
Firstly the sentences are far too short. Every five sentences should be turned into one sentence, using 'and' and the like. Secondly, there is no reason to repeat words three times, more is less. It is also a little vague, who is the narrator. If it is in the first person use words like I more, never use you.

Broken link. The last line begs the question, who is the main character? Post second half please.

>>4
The last line doesn't beg the question at all. Do you even know what that expression means?