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ants

Name: Anonymous 2009-10-03 0:19

wrote this for a vignette assignment. can you correct errors?

Left, right, left, right. They march as one, never straying from their path; one mind among a colony of thousands. He stares at them, admires their uniformity. One has fallen by the sting of an insect that is run off by the rest; the wound is fatal.He is surrounded by comrades, and carried into the hill. The boy's father stands beside him, watching with a sigh of wisdom as the boy chuckles with curiosity.
"Why do the ants carry the dead one into the ant hill?" asks the boy.
"They're going to hold a funeral for him, and bury him with his friends and family," the father answers.
"Ants do that? I thought only people cared about that stuff."
"You'd be surprised," he says.
His mother calls from the kitchen that he will be late for school. His father pats the boy on his head and smiles at his innocence. The boy leaves, bagel in hand, still thinking about the ant's funeral. He crosses the street as the glowing white man waves approval. A swerving car knocks the life out of the boy and drags him for half a block, his fragile frame mangled into deformity. The driver is slightly annoyed at the road bump and accelerates until it removes itself from the car's crimson undercarriage. What used to be the boy stares back at the ants, who work as one to devour the bagel.

Name: Anonymous 2009-10-03 2:59

kill yourself

Name: Anonymous 2009-10-03 3:46

that was hilarious, but please don't write any more of these

Name: Anonymous 2009-10-03 4:24

lol namefag

Name: Anonymous 2009-10-03 7:43

>One has fallen by the sting of an insect that is run off by the rest
I'm not entirely sure if the 'flow' of that line is correct.

>His father pats the boy
This sounds kind of like the father is patting someone else.

You're also starting too manly lines with "His" and "he' in the second sub-paragraph.
Maybe you could focus a little more on the driver's annoyance, but that's just a matter of personal opinion.

Name: Anonymous 2009-10-03 14:18

>>5
No. The whole idea is shitty and retarded and it should be scrapped.

Name: Anonymous 2009-10-03 17:03

Write something better and post it.

Name: Anonymous 2009-10-03 17:05

>>7
directed to
>>6

Name: Anonymous 2009-10-03 21:30

It's interesting. One thing I noticed is you should mention the bagel earlier, otherwise it looks like it just appeared.

Name: Anonymous 2009-10-03 22:03

>>2
>>3
>>6
constructive criticism is always nice.

>>5
>>9

thanks, i've revised it slightly.

Left, right, left, right. They march as one, never straying from their path; one mind for a colony of thousands. The boy stares at them, admires their uniformity. A fatal sting is inflicted on a carpenter. The ant is surrounded by comrades, and carried into the hill. The boy's father stands beside him, heaving a sigh as the boy chuckles with curiosity.
"Why do the ants carry the dead one into the ant hill?" asks the boy.
"They're going to hold a funeral for him, and bury him with his friends and family," the father answers.
"Ants do that? I thought only people cared about that stuff."
"You'd be surprised," he says.
The boy glows as his father pats him on the head. His mother calls from the kitchen that he will be late for school. She's prepared his favorite—a jelly and cream cheese bagel as fresh and sweet as him. He leaves for school with the ant's funeral in mind and a bagel in hand. The glowing white man waves him approval to cross the street. A swerving car knocks the life out of the boy and drags him for half a block, his fragile frame mangled into deformity. The driver is slightly annoyed at the road bump and accelerates until it removes itself from the car's crimson undercarriage; he drives on, wondering if he will find his house among the rural conglomerate. What used to be the boy stares back at the ants, who work as one to devour the bagel.

Name: Anonymous 2009-10-04 17:39

>>10
it's still not very good. try a different idea. also "rural conglomerate"? who are you trying to impress, young man? your writing style switches between simple clumpy sentences and overly complicated bullshit. consistency is key.

Name: Anonymous 2009-10-04 21:00

>>11
"rural conglomerate" is overly complicated? i suggest you go back to school if you're not in it, or haven't dropped out.

otherwise, thanks heaps master literary critic.

Don't change these.
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