Car ride

The car is dark and crowded. The city lights that went past with a gentle rhythm illuminated the interior in brilliant flashes of clarity. We were the survivors of another late night romp, exhausted from the battle with alcohol and too much talking. My wife was driving unaware of the thoughts that were rushing through my mind uncontrolled. Her best friend on the seat in between us leaning on me, half on my lap to give my wife room to drive. Earlier in the evening at the party the birthday girl was intoxicatedly familiar and I guess that started the whole train of thought. How long had it been since I snuggled up to a new woman? I could feel the heat of her essence unfamiliar on the thigh she was straddling. It felt so good her ripe curves resting on me seeking security in the dark. I wondered if her friend felt the same electric charge running between us, I know she seeks the love that she had been watching cavort around her all night. Guilty I censored my thoughts straining to tell myself this woman is just a friend but the more I get to know her the more I want her. I can see the sadness in her, the longing  and pain that she so bravely tries to deny. I want to hold her and tell her it's all right, to please her as I know only I can. I know she would be happy with me, I know I could save her from the dark. I dream of making her my second wife, sharing with her the love that me and my wife share. We stop at the hotel were she is staying with the rest of the survivors and we all mumble our good nights. As she departs my company I catch her eyes and try to express to her all that I know, she turns away without another word but I see a her step a little lighter, breathe a little deeper. As the night swallows her I feel my wanting expand. I got into the car and look over too my wife. I meet her eyes and I know I love her and wish I could share with her my wishes.

Just looking to see what you all think......haven't written anything in a while and am looking to get back into it......

I liked it.

Commas, use them.

Other grammatical errors, but otherwise, nice diction and imagery, but maybe a little too "purple." But maybe I think that because of the absence of a background, which isn't really a flaw in your writing.

What #4 said, but also, when writing in first person, try not use statements like "I feel" or "I noticed." Simply explain the feeling or sight. You are less intrusive to the reader of your story when you do.

Needs moar pooper.

Next story more pooper by request. Thanks guys for the honest comments. When I was writing before I was always told I use too many commas so I guess this is better then too many though.

I plan to add more to it but I wanted to see if the "bare bones" as it were was any good. I'll take your advice and see if I can polish it, thanks.

BTW, what is purple........

Here we go......I took your advice and I think it is better this way. Thanks
The car is dark and crowded. The city lights that went past with a gentle rhythm illuminated the interior in brilliant flashes of clarity. We were the survivors of another late night romp, exhausted from the battle with alcohol and too much talking. My wife was driving unaware of the thoughts that were rushing through my mind uncontrolled. Her best friend on the seat in between us leaning on me, half on my lap to give my wife room to drive. Earlier in the evening at the party the birthday girl was intoxicatedly familiar and I guess that started the whole train of thought. How long had it been since I snuggled up to a new woman? The heat of her essence unfamiliar on the thigh she was straddling. It felt so good her ripe curves resting on me seeking security in the dark. Wondering if her friend felt the same electric charge running between us, knowing she seeks the love that she had been watching cavort around her all night. Guilty censoring my thoughts, straining to tell myself this woman is just a friend, but the more I get to know her the more I want her. Seeing the sadness in her, the longing  and pain that she so bravely tries to deny. Wanting to hold her and tell her it's all right, to please her as only I can. I know she would be happy with me, I know I could save her from the dark. I dream of making her my second wife, sharing with her the love that me and my wife share. We stop at the hotel were she is staying with the rest of the survivors and we all mumble our good nights. As she departs my company I catch her eyes and try to express to her all that I know, she turns away without another word but I see a her step a little lighter, breathe a little deeper. As the night swallows her I feel my wanting expand. I got into the car and look over too my wife. I meet her eyes and I know I love her and wish I could share with her my wishes.

>>8
Never mind I googled it......I guess I agree with that as I was kinda looking for that feel. Does it seem really over the top though?

I also have the problem with commas. Sometimes I overdo it, and other times I use too little. Eh, guess that's what editors and such are for.

#4 here, I'm not talking about over- or under- using commas, I just mean using them correctly. For example, "My wife was driving unaware of the thoughts" needs a comma between "driving" and "unaware."

Oh I see.....thanks

#5 here. The "My wife was driving, unaware of the thoughts..." sentence is a point of view violation. Unless your protagonist is omniscient, he does not know what others are thinking. He can only assume.

>>14
You're splitting hairs. It's not an unreasonable thing to assume she doesn't know those thoughts. Of course, a later twist could be that he was wrong.

>>15

Nonetheless, it should be avoided because it is telling and not showing. A more effective means would be to show the wife in deep concentration on the road and the protagonist explaining his desires in regard to what he wishes to do to the wife's best friend.

>>16

#'s 4 and 12 here, if I could post a reaction image, I would. Suggesting "more effective means" of story telling is essentially writing the story for him.

>>17

How do you figure? When I walk into a bookstore, I see the author's name on the books. I don't see an editor's name there. What I mentioned is nothing different from what an editor does--suggest changes.

The difference in my suggestion from what you classify it as, however, is my advice helps the writer stop a major no-no. If you want, I could post a myriad of articles by agents and editors that explain why most writing is rejected--too much telling and not enough showing.

>>15 here, >>19, you're just wrong...to me at least. We'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

Quote fucking fail

>>18

It really all depends upon a personal belief of how much editing is too much. In any event, OP: cool story, bro.

>>21

I don't disagree with you on your point. However, getting published for the first time is not so black and white if you want to keep getting published. We all want to maintain the artistry of our work, but an editor is probably in his/her position because of experience. They understand the marketplace and proper writing. If they ask you to change something, you probably need to change it.

I read an interview by an editor with a major house once. She said the only writer who she never needed to edit, except for minor oversights, was Anne Rice.

Of course, nowadays your agent is also your first editor. Plan to get your work edited...a lot...by many people.

>>22

>>Anne Rice

FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU

Wow this has really gone far afield of where we started.
Anne Rice=Great gay porn

I am going to admit...I read Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty erotica novels about the princess who is sold into sex slavery.

That was unbelievably hot........op here

>>25

fuck yeah. I heard about that shit. the prince wakes her ass up and then sells her into a fuck slave or some shit. all books should be like that. save the bitch, then prostitute her out.

>>25
honestly that sounds like at least 5 hentai series I've seen so now I kinda wanna read it.