poetry critique plz

Hi /book/,

I know it's late and a Friday night, but I was wondering if anyone wouldn't mind critiquing poetry. I really apprec. Thanks.


"Hockey Poem"

I like that hockey and hokey look alike
'It seems appropriate', I say, nodding my head,
B/c when I am out having In-n-Out with you
And we're hitting important points about
"The state of the economy", or
"The pursuit of higher education", or
"The social implications of Obama's inauguration",
I feel as if I'd much rather be
Hitting hockey pucks back and forth with you, or
Going roller-blading in the park with you, or
Speeding down a hill on our our bikes
Helmetless, like I used to do
With every girl i met for the first time.

But no, we are cool college kids now and we
Discuss politics and listen to Radiohead. Jaded.
Emo. We don't do that stuff anymore.
We have grown out of cartwheels.
We have grown out of cul-de-sacs.
Instead, we go to frat parties and
We drink shots of smirnoff and
We smoke stoges in the cold.


Now at Starbucks, you are sipping your latte,
Nails enameled and hair in a neat perfect bun.
You just got off work, and you ask,
"So what kind of philosophy are you into?"

And I know, I know i could entertain you with talks
About traditional thought, theories, topographies,
And totally analytical turns in history,
Nihilism, Romanticism, Existentialism, Modernism
Nothing, Nature, God, Geist, Connect and Disconnect...

And it's true, these things are important to who I am, but
Right now,
Outside, it's just stopped raining,
And I can see
Rainbow oil spills in the streets
And I know, I just know,
Behind those dorky glasses, you've got a mean-ass
Slap-shot, and if we got together some hipsters and some nets
We could have ourselves some real hokey fun.

I didn't actually read it, but if you're posting it on the internet for critiques, then it probably sucks and you should stop writing poetry. Hope that helps!

Content OK, not particularly creative.

I hate poetry.

I really enjoyed Radiohead in high school and only grew out of them in college. Weird.

As for critique, this is just my personal opinion but the "b/c" needs to be changed. I just can't respect abbreviations like that.

If you just had that in there for this draft and never intended for it to be final, excuse me.

jus woke up, don't have a pen handy, the house is cold and i want to write this down before i forget it, so here's a first draft

When I am old and I have power.
I'll switch the electric off for an hour.
I'll take out the phones and the internets too,
just to see what the world will do.

All over the world from blimps prepared,
Megaphones will blare and my voice will be heard.
"I'm giving you this chance to make things right,
A little taste of the technology night!"

Markets will crash and men will howl.
Mothers will huddle and babbys will yowl.
"We know the Tyrant always does 'The Right',
but does he need to give us this fright?"

When normal service has been restored,
I'll gather 'My Press' before 'My Horde'.
"Tyrant, Oh Tyrant?" their voices will clamour,
before with one glance, I cease their yammer.

"You wonder if my act was rash!
What, have you all been smoking the Hash?
You know I always do what is best.
And in this I have put humanity to test."

Dismissing all, privately I'll muse,
on our strange reliance on 'The Series of Tubes'.
Have 'My Doctors' steroids caused an action that's rash?
Alone with this thought, I will battle and thrash.

Then casting off doubt, in peace I'll repose.
"I am 'The Tyrant'! I knows what I knows!"
Then with a whisper that echoes through 'My Halls'
"It's obvious lads, I did it for the lulz".

sok

op has a bunch of subtle yet stylistically impressive elements; the caesura that follows "connect and disconnect", foil of "'rainbow' oilspills", wordplay on the first line

most importantly, the theme of lost innocence, and this sort of desire for the narrator to dumb himself down is portrayed quite well

honestly i am surprised i enjoyed it

too many fucking e.e. cummings wannabes out there, needs more meaningful prose

Well, that was depressing.

>>8
Because of this I read OP. Pretty good, actually. I appreciate a poet who has the composure to resist overworked writing, and you don't get too many of those posting here. Nice sentiment too.

http://www.digitalnasties.com/

hi mom

Wow OP, I actually enjoyed reading this, perhaps the first time I've enjoyed a poem posted in this context.

I liked it, OP.
Also...

"You wonder if my act was rash!
What, have you all been smoking the Hash?"

i lol'd

>>14
thx, fraid i'm not the OP though, but i'm very grateful to them for starting this thread so i could get it down somewhere.
my doggerel is a lot rougher than his and i'd appreciate pointers on how to make it scan better.

OP's poem has a pathetic beauty to it.
I'm not familiar with techniques in the art, but this moved me in its theme.

Good job, OP. I woud omment further, but my keyboard aks a few essentia keys.

Pretty good OP.

i'd really like to see some spam ITT, so i'm bumping it.

>>19
if you really want to see spam itt why don't you just not be a lazy fuck and make up your own fake advertisement messages it's not like anyone will know the difference

>>20
but i would. and that matters you know.

>>21
advertise your own shit then, that way it'll be genuine spam