Girlfriend issues

There's this woman I know, who's been stalking me for many years. If she finds out that I don't like somebody, she beats them up "for me". She does things like hiding in cars to hospitalize them for life. She has threatened people into fleeing my state. She's like a trained assassin. She always finds out, and she never gets caught. I just wish her love would include having sex with me, but the only love-making activity she's interested in, seems to be violence somehow. She wants to save me for last. I don't know what to do. I don't even know who she is, or what she looks like. She only leaves messages. Why me? I'm not even that hot.

Anyway, do you have any advice on how to catch her and have sex with her? Maybe pregnancy would halt the violence.

Use a bear trap.

Sleep with a famous celebrity, she will be so jelly and come back to you.

Develop a case of self loathing. She finds out you don't like you, comes to beat you up (for you). Then you rape.

Use Jews

Tell her you're thinking of committing suicide.  Maybe she'll meet you then and you can convince her.

Hire a jew