My hair is falling out. My gut is so huge that I haven't seen my feet since the Reagan administration. My wife just left me for a 19 year old black guy with 16 inches, and she took the house and the car with her. My son just moved out to San Francisco to be with his life partner Raoul. But I'm not sad, because I just had a long chat with my good buddy Jim Beam. I feel like a million bucks.