A year ago the world was mad at me, and I was mad at it, because I coudln't express my emotions. I was totally focused on keeping emotional pain well away from any part of myself that could feel it.
All this sounds like some stupid teen angst post, about how 'no one understands the real me', I don't think that's true. I think that almost everyone has done what I'm doing now - lay in bed, kept awake by feelings of fear or confusion, and looked for a way to reach out and express the feelings inside. I think all we want to do is reach out and really feel like someone is listening, actually understanding what we feel. The hardest thing to do is work all the feeling out all alone. This is where I failed.
For me, the emotions felt overwhemling and unexpressable. They wern't. I went through two periods of drinking at least 3 times a week, and at least once a week heavily. I got into fights. I took risks. I put myself in a hospital. I've even done things that I still can't talk about.
Long and painful story short, my life found me the next morning hugging my knees on the cold floor of the common room, by the refridgerator. All the bad feelings I had been hiding from the past 5 years caught up to me. I was so afriad that I felt I had only 2 options: run as far away as you can, or end the pain. I actually started to pack to leave. My friends got me help. I've been in therapy for 4 months now.
Name:
VIPPER2006-02-28 18:58
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness . . . it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair . . . in short, the period was so far like the present period