Define life

Just wondering about /sci/'s definition of life. None of that made of cells bullcrap. Bonus points for answers which adequately handle fire, viruses, corporations, and artificial intelligence.

Best answer will recieve a box containing a simulation of a universe whose denizens are just on the verge of discovering that their world is a simulation.

>>Life is a characteristic that distinguishes objects that have self-sustaining biological processes ("alive," "living"), from those which do not[1][2] —either because such functions have ceased (death), or else because they lack such functions and are classified as "inanimate."

>>Since there is no unequivocal definition of life, the consensus is to attempt to describe it. Therefore, life is a characteristic of organisms that exhibit all or most of the following phenomena:[12][13]

>>   1. Homeostasis: Regulation of the internal environment to maintain a constant state; for example, electrolyte concentration or sweating to reduce temperature.
>>   2. Organization: Being structurally composed of one or more cells, which are the basic units of life.
>>   3. Metabolism: Transformation of energy by converting chemicals and energy into cellular components (anabolism) and decomposing organic matter (catabolism). Living things require energy to maintain internal organization (homeostasis) and to produce the other phenomena associated with life.
>>   4. Growth: Maintenance of a higher rate of anabolism than catabolism. A growing organism increases in size in all of its parts, rather than simply accumulating matter.
>>   5. Adaptation: The ability to change over a period of time in response to the environment. This ability is fundamental to the process of evolution and is determined by the organism's heredity as well as the composition of metabolized substances, and external factors present.
  6. Response to stimuli: A response can take many forms, from the contraction of a unicellular organism to external chemicals, to complex reactions involving all the senses of higher animals. A response is often expressed by motion, for example, the leaves of a plant turning toward the sun (phototropism) and by chemotaxis.
>>   7. Reproduction: The ability to produce new individual organisms either asexually, from a single parent organism, or sexually, from at least two parent organisms.

^^^

if you do all of those things, you are alive. if you used to but do not anymore, you are dead (which is also incidentally non-living). if the collection of matter that is you never did all of those things simultaneously, you are exclusively non-living.