A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"
One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change. Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction. Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"
The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."
>>48
The original joke is so old at this point that adding ``and eight more types'' makes it (somewhat) funny again. There isn't a single person left on the face of the Earth who doesn't know how binary works.
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Anonymous2008-07-20 15:18
>>49
Hundreds of thousands of people are born every day that don't know how binary works. We have to keep spreading the word.
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Anonymous2008-07-20 15:34
>>50
You're serious, aren't you? Where do you live? I want to live in a place where any random person on the street might get that kind of joke.
Of course, my current job is telephone tech support, so I deal all day every day with people too fucking stupid to breathe, and maybe I'm biased.
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Anonymous2008-07-20 15:42
>>51
Maybe you should start residing in an university campus, like all the cool guys do.
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Anonymous2008-07-28 21:00
>>52
When I was in college, the dorm I lived in was full of knuckle-dragging crackhead jocks with IQs around 55.
How does a mathematician capture an African elephant? He goes to Africa, throws everything out that's not an elephant, and captures one of whatever's left.
The graduate mathematician first proves the existence of an elephant in Africa, and then dismisses the rest as trivial.
How did the professor of mathematics do it? That's what grad students are for!
The guest lecturer captured one by standing inside a cage and declaring, "I am on the outside of the cage."
The first-year programming student started at the west coast of africa heading east. When he reached the east coast, he moved a little farther south and went back the other way. Eventually he covered the entire continent.
The second-year programmer did the same thing, except he placed a known elephant in Cairo before starting, so he knew he'd eventually finish even if there weren't any elephants in Africa.
The third-year went to africa and placed every animal he could find into the trees. "For easier retrieval," he said.
The electrical engineer brought back a rabbit, spray painted it gray, and said "I have a few updates for the specification document." Marketing called it a "desktop elephant" and sales insisted that the engineer go back and add a trunk.
The guy in R&D was interviewed on TV. His team of specialists equipped with the latest in satellite tracking, a fleet of jeeps, and a bunch of airguns and tranquilizer darts captured dozens of elephants over the past year. "According to our predictions," he said, "within ten years even a child could capture an elephant or two in a couple hours."
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Anonymous2009-10-24 2:43
an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are attending a conference, and all happen to stay in the same very, very old, run-down hotel. over the course of the night, there are a series of electrical shorts that cause fires which wake them.
the engineer wakes up suddenly, and sees his television has burst into flames. he looks around the room for some way to put it out, and sees the ice bucket next to the sink. he quickly calculates from the dimensions of the bucket how thrown water will arc, so that he may fill the bucket just as much as he needs to in order to put the fire out quickly. he fills the bucket, throws the water, puts out the fire, and goes back to bed.
the physicist wakes up suddenly, and sees his television has burst into flames. he looks around the room for some way to put it out, and sees the ice bucket next to the sink. he quickly calculates from a rough estimate of the BTU heat output rate of the fire and the usual temperature of cold tap water the smallest amount of water needed to put the fire out as quickly as possible. he fills the bucket, throws the water, puts out the fire, and goes back to bed.
the mathematician wakes up suddenly, and sees his television has burst into flames. he looks around the room for some way to put it out, and sees the ice bucket next to the sink. satisfied that some solution existed, he happily went back to bed.
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Anonymous2009-10-24 12:59
Why did the computer scientist confuse Halloween and Christmas?
>>59
This is the most overused programming joke I have ever seen.
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Anonymous2009-10-25 6:07
If circle x has circumference 9in from point a to point a, and you travel 9in, how far from point a have you actually traveled?
The answer is 9in, but some people have given me the diameter which is 2.86in because the opposite side from point a is the furthest distance from point a.
I thought this was the funniest things I'd ever heard. :3
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Anonymous2009-10-25 12:42
What's the difference between a PhD in math and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
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Anonymous2009-10-25 13:51
>>63
I don't understand this one. What about all the quant jobs requiring PhDs in maths/physics/other numerical subjects?
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Anonymous2009-10-26 2:18
>>64
What he's saying in >>63 is that teaching jobs don't pay enough to feed a family of four, but a large pizza will. Whether that's all teaching jobs or not is not my call, but I do get the gist of what he is saying. It is kind of funny when you think of what it takes and costs to make a large pizza as opposed to what it takes to get a phd in math. :3
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Anonymous2011-09-27 0:19
>>6
Wow, you screwed up the joke and nobody caught it in 3 years
3 people are supposed to leave, so that there's "-1" people inside