Why * is Not My Favorite Programming Language

In this thread we shit on languages (that probably deserve it).

Bonus points if written in this prose:
http://www.cs.virginia.edu/~cs655/readings/bwk-on-pascal.html

>>2
there's one thing java is great at, and that is learning how to write shitty code. is your implementation too optimized? runs too fast, uses too few memory or otherwise working way too well? no prob, just rewrite it in java and be amazed how all gold can be turned into shit!