Dealbreakers for hiring a programmer

You are an experienced and settled member in your company. After escaping a series of layoffs, you have reached a stable employment position, and are considered a valued employee. As one of the more seasoned in the workforce your knowledge of recruitment is considered essential. Thus you have been tasked with the responsibility of finding a new programmer for your team. What red flags will you watch out for in your slew of young and eager interviewees?

Drug test them, then run a criminal background check. Make sure they don't own any guns so they can't shoot up the place. Give them a polygraph and make sure that they don't plan to steal your intellectual property. Have them examined by a doctor so that your company can save money on insurance (if you offer it, if not, then do it anyway so they don't just keel over and die in the middle of a project). Ask to see their browsing history on a regular basis so that you know they don't go on 4chan\world4ch. Don't hire anyone with a spouse or children, to insure that they can always be ready for overtime. Ask them what they expect to be paid: if it is lower than average then they are not confident and likely incompetent; if they ask for higher than average, then they are arrogant and expect too much. Double check their history to make sure that they don't make sexist or racist jokes. Look on their facebook to find out if they are the antisocial type. Time them on how long it take them to read the employment contract: if it takes too long, then they don't need the work bad enough and will leave soon, messing up the company's plans for them; if they don't take enough time then they are careless and easily fool, meaning they will likely mess up when dealing with customers. If they don't have a bachelor's degree, then instantly reject them. If they don't have a few years experience (even if it's only an intern position), then instantly reject them. If they ever went to a junior college, or an online college, then instantly reject them. If they ever went to any sort of "vocational" program, instantly reject them. If they have any certificates that aren't backed up by real experience, instantly reject them. If they didn't have at least a 3.5 GPA, instantly reject them. Don't hire people with too many jobs on their resume, it shows that they move around too much and can't be trusted. Don't hire people with too few jobs on their resume, it shows that they don't know how to adapt to new corporate cultures. Don't hire programmers over 35, because they have trouble adapting to new technologies. Don't hire anyone under 25, because they are just children and cannot act responsibly or be respected by customers. Don't hire anyone with gaps in their employment history, as it shows that they are lazy and don't need the job, and might quit at any time. Don't hire anyone looking for a job while still employed, as they have shown themselves to be disloyal to their current company. Don't hire anyone who don't seem to be team players, as they will not demand the respect of customers or coworkers. Don't hire anyone who asks about career advancement, as they will neglect the job they were hired for so that they may try to find another. Ask them about their hobbies: if they answer with anything other than things that further their knowledge in programming, then instantly reject them. If they answer with anything odd (strange musics, occult, anime, Touhous, extreme sports), instantly reject them. Ask them how they feel about "open source" software and the GPL. If they are too positive, quietly show them the door, because they might steal your code and give it to an "open source" project. If they are too negative, then quietly show them the door, because it is not their job to think about what is done with the code that they write. Inform them about the NDA's that must be signed. If they take too long to formulate an answer, then they are flaky, if they don't take long enough to think about it, then they aren't taking it seriously. Inform them of the non-compete agreements and the fact that you will own any code they write for six months after employment and that they write on their personal time. If they show any resentment to this industry standard practice, reject them immediately. Run a credit check on them: if they don't have very much debt, then they will be less pressured to perform well at work; if they have too much, then they are vulnerable for bribery and other corporate espionage. Reject anyone who has a history of military service, as they are more prone to violence and intimidation, and might have mental health issues that will cause poor performance and drag the company down. Reject anyone who has been a law enforcement officer, because they will tend to misunderstand things and interpret things as illegal. Reject anyone who has a history in education, as they tend to patronizing and make their coworkers uncomfortable. Reject anyone who has citizenship in your country, because those people are more likely to be able to leave for higher wages. Reject anyone who is a minority, as they could sue the company for harassment and discrimination. Reject anyone who isn't a minority, because they lack sensitivity and could offend one of their coworkers and put the company in a compromising position.