Any decent modern general-purpose languages?

Assembly: Unportable. No standardised syntax.
Classical Visual Basic: Some good parts. Shit overall.
C: Shitty standard library. Deficient type system. Can't into Unicode. ``Unportable assembly.''
D and C++: Obfuscated boilerplate languages.
Java and C#: Forced OOP.
Common Lisp: Archaic cons-based library. Writing complex macros is a PitA due to the unlispy quotation syntaxes.
Scheme: CL without namespaces.
Clojure and Erlang: Concurrency is unneeded outside of a few very specific applications. Parallelism is where it's at.
OCaml: Great language, only one, deficient, implementation.
Haskell: Academic sex toy.
Forth: Reinventing the wheel over and over.
Ruby: Implicit declarations. Slow as fuck.
Python: Implicit declarations. FioC.
Perl: Brain damage.
PHP: Pretty much shit.
JavaScript: "" == false

It's impossible to list them all but, please, what decent modern general-purpose languages exist?

C:\TEXT\KOPIPE.TXT

God says...

For years, people have been predicting--hoping for--the demise of assembly
language, claiming that the world is ready to move on to less primitive approaches to
programming...and for years, the best programs around have been written in assembly language.
Why is this? Simply because assembly language is hard to work with, but--properly used--
produces programs of unparalleled performance. Mediocre programmers have a terrible time
working with assembly language; on the other hand, assembly language is, without fail, the
language that PC gurus use when they need the best possible code.