HOW DO I PYTHON

What's a good tutorial that will ease my pain in my transition to Python and FIOC due to job-related shit? The one on python.org is tedious and looks like it's intended for non-programmers

There is nothing legitimately bad about Python. That's why the best the whiners can come up with is hurr fioc durr. Self-fork the language and write a script that converts your paranthesised code into FIOC if you are so anal about it. There are no serious issues with it as far as interpreted languages go.