I'm new to programming: which language?

As the title says, I'm new to programming, I've only ever done basic and slightly advanced  Windows DOS language, and I know that is pretty limited in what it can/can't do. I hear that CL/Scheme are the main languages on this board, but I've also heard that they're old and obsolete, someone even told me that Lisp can't call external programs, is that true?

A couple people told me Python was a good language to learn, and I know a lot of programs are written in C/C++, and I've heard of some olders ones like COBOL, FORTRAN, Haskell, and a few others.

I've heard of these dynamic and static typing things, and I believe strong and weak typing, can anyone explain the difference? I've been involved in computers for most of my life, and I think it's time to advance my computer skills, and I could think of no better place than 4chan's /prog/, namely because I don't know of any other places, so....

Can /prog/ help me?

>>3
I don't understand how things aren't written in C, I thought Windows was C-based?

The only thing I've ever done with programming was first design a very basic python program that asked for a number, and that number corresponded to a if-elseif-else statement that ran games/applications, sort of as an extension to the Start Menu, and then later I redid it in Ruby, learning that Ruby was easier to do this in, according to a few people I asked.

I'll check up on that static/dynamic, weak/strong, and apparently manifest/implicit.

The only differences I know between C and Sepples, I lurk /prog/ on the occasion, is that C is fast and lightweight, and Sepples is bloated and can be slow, but has about every library you'd ever need.

SICP, that enormous fucking manual from some university using Scheme as the teaching language?
FIOC = Frame input/output controller?
K&R = The book The C Programming Language ?

Thank you, the only person who did what I expected. You sir, are an EXPERT PROGRAMMER