I'm new to programming: which language?

As the title says, I'm new to programming, I've only ever done basic and slightly advanced  Windows DOS language, and I know that is pretty limited in what it can/can't do. I hear that CL/Scheme are the main languages on this board, but I've also heard that they're old and obsolete, someone even told me that Lisp can't call external programs, is that true?

A couple people told me Python was a good language to learn, and I know a lot of programs are written in C/C++, and I've heard of some olders ones like COBOL, FORTRAN, Haskell, and a few others.

I've heard of these dynamic and static typing things, and I believe strong and weak typing, can anyone explain the difference? I've been involved in computers for most of my life, and I think it's time to advance my computer skills, and I could think of no better place than 4chan's /prog/, namely because I don't know of any other places, so....

Can /prog/ help me?

Im not OP but im in a similar situation.

I have tried
sepples(found it awful, but somehow useful)

x86 assembler(I would like to use it with C someday)

C (I fell in love with this one,every time i see some high level thing i wonder how would that be translated to C :P)

Python(Frustrating OO and stupid magic going on everywhere)

With  C i felt really comfortable but C takes some hard time to do high level things, unless you use third party libs.

So im in search of some "light" scripting language to experiment, that  isnt fucking built around turning everything into a fucking object(At least syntactically)

Tried perl, and i liked the optional use of classes (yay! functional) but it feels like ypthon in the magic side.

1.Define waht you want to do
2.Search CPAN for module
3.Use the module reducing your program to 5-10 lines

That magic makes me feel uncomfortable.

Also there is the syntax... i know its about choosing how to implelemtn things, but...

Is it really fucking necessary to mangle the language THAT MUCH?

ON the other hand.. its A LOT better then python whitespace nazi syntax


Any suggestions?