Beginners programming

I'm sure you have seen this thread a million times, so once I get a satisfactory answer I will let it die/sage

What should the first language I learn be?
What program should I write it in?
What's the best compiler for the language you are advising me to try?
Should I do my work on Linux or Windows?
Best book, or site that will teach me the language?
Any other thoughts?

Haven't I seen it on 7chan /pr/? And replied?