Beginners programming

I'm sure you have seen this thread a million times, so once I get a satisfactory answer I will let it die/sage

What should the first language I learn be?
What program should I write it in?
What's the best compiler for the language you are advising me to try?
Should I do my work on Linux or Windows?
Best book, or site that will teach me the language?
Any other thoughts?

stupid thread, there is one of these every goddamn day.

1. Python
2. anything you want, notepad++/gedit/kate
3. CPython (the official interpreter www.python.org)
4. anything you want
5. Hello World (http://www.manning.com/sande/).