Sup /prog/

/b/tard here thinking about becoming a /prog/tard to learn some programming skills. !MILKRIBS4K told me to drop his name.

Anyways, post ending with 32 decides what language I learn first.

A brief summary of all important languages: (If your language is not on here, it probably sucks)

C is good but highly manual. If you have to do low level programming for device drivers or something, C is the way to go.
C++ fucking sucks. Sorry.
Assembly is like C but more of a pain in the ass. Just use C.
Java sucks too, but given the choice between Java and C++, I'd go with Java because it sucks SLIGHTLY less.
Javascript would have been worthwhile but there's no proper command-line based version of it that's capable of doing jack and/or shit, so the only thing anyone uses it for is cutesy flying images and blog-spamming viruses. So fuck it.
D could've been decent but it's got a split personality and no one uses it, so what's the point.
Scheme is great but has no libraries. It's a good learning language if you're looking to get into functional programming.
Common Lisp is pig disgusting, but at least it's capable of doing something. Learn that after you get a handle on Scheme.
Perl is great. You can program in it merely by mashing your fist on the keyboard, which is excellent because that's what you'll want to do after trying to program in it.
Python is really overrated but nonetheless decent. It's a good choice for "real world" programs, I guess.
Ruby is weeaboo shit. Go learn Python.
Haskell is annoyingly pedantic, and I am convinced that its only purpose is to troll people.
Smalltalk had a good idea, but that's about it. Not worth discussing much further.
Objective C is like C and Smalltalk. At least it's saner than C++, and it really is a proper superset of C, but it's also not worth discussing.
Prolog sucks.
Forth is hard to write, but kind of fun if you like puzzles.
Factor tries to be Forth ... and also Smalltalk and Common Lisp, all at the same time, so it ended up being a big ball of shit. On top of that, Slava is an insufferable prick.

As for programming techniques:

Procedural is really straightforward, and makes it fairly easy for any retard to crap out code.
Object-oriented programming is only useful for user interfaces; most of the time it's just extra shit to deal with.
Functional programming is a good technique, and helps make some things much cleaner and more concise. However, *pure* functional is only good if you also enjoy S&M.
Declarative programming is dumb.

IMO the best paradigm is mostly functional with a bit of procedural to glue it together.