I want to learn functional programming

What should I start with? Haskell looks weird, lisp has so many parentheses I want to ((((()))()())))((()))(((())))))))(())))()()
and erlang appears to be useless and weird.

With that said, I am willing to learn them since I know FUCK ALL about them.

go ahead, hax my anus...

Haha, do you think you'll accomplish anything without actually trying?

Haskell/ML looks weird? Because it's something new which you don't understand yet, and you don't have the mindset to understand yet!

Lisp has parens? Lisp coders don't even notice them, all they see is the crystal clear structure and shape of the code. Get a good editor which can handle indentation and paren-matching, and you'll be coding and understanding lisp programs in no time, as long as you learn it at the same time.

Erlang useless? It was made to solve important real-world problems which other languages struggle to solve properly. If you see no use for it, is because you are thinking only in your limited programming worldview.

You could take the step and learn something new and open your eyes to new programming paradigms, or you could continue as you are, solving your problems using redundand imperative idioms.