x86 Assembly

Sup /prog/. I'm trying to learn x86 assembly. I need a guide geared toward someone who (get this) has never programmed in anything more than BASIC before. Don't get me wrong, I know what interrupts and bit shifting and all that jazz are, I understand most of the terms and how different things actually work. I just want a guide that doesn't try to assume that I know what all those goddamn instructions mean.

Assembly Language Step-By-Step - Programming With DOS And Linux, 2nd Edition (2000).chm
The Art Of Assembly Language (2003).chm
Guide To Assembly Language Programming In Linux (2005).pdf
Introduction To 80x86 Assembly Language And Computer Architecture (2001).pdf
Professional Assembly Language (2005).pdf

http://www.mediafire.com/?mtcgxuuk2jo

What, pay for books? You must be joking!