PHP lambdas: Bitch & Whine.

Why the FUCK can't I assign functions to magic methods?
% php -r 'class Whut{function __construct(){ $this->__call = function ($m, $v) { echo "Calling: ", $m; }; } } $n = new Whut; $n->whut();'
Fatal error: Call to undefined method Whut::whut() in Command line code on line
1

Wait, I can't even use them as methods?
% php -r 'class Whut{function __construct(){ $this->__call = function ($m, $
v) { echo "Calling: ", $m; }; } } $n = new Whut; $n->__call("whut", array());'
Fatal error: Call to undefined method Whut::__call() in Command line code on lin
e 1

And, dude, what the shit!?
% php -r 'function lol(){return function () {echo "Hello."; }; } lol()();'
Parse error: syntax error, unexpected '(' in Command line code on line 1

Ok, how about...
% php -r 'function lol(){return function () {echo "Hello."; }; } (lol())();                       $n();'
Parse error: syntax error, unexpected '(' in Command line code on line 1

So, I abso-fucking-lutely have to assign it?
% php -r 'function lol(){return function () {echo "Hello."; }; } $n = lol();
 $n();'
Hello!

Oh, screw you, god damn faggots.

What the fuck, PHP. Classes don't fucking have functions, they have methods. What the fuck. I can't fucking believe this. Ugh, I'm so fucking mad at PHP right now. Fuck this.