/prog/'s own esoteric language

Fun idea. Let's make our own programming language.
Conditions:
Must be somewhat useful like ABC.
Not limited to characters only. Can include words.
1 function per post.


 _____ _    ____ _  _____ _   _ _   ____ ___ ____   ____  _____ _   _ ___ ____  _
|  ___/ \  / ___| |/ /_ _| \ | ( ) | __ )_ _/ ___| |  _ \| ____| \ | |_ _/ ___|| |
| |_ / _ \| |   | ' / | ||  \| |/  |  _ \| | |  _  | |_) |  _| |  \| || |\___ \| |
|  _/ ___ \ |___| . \ | || |\  |   | |_) | | |_| | |  __/| |___| |\  || | ___) |_|
|_|/_/   \_\____|_|\_\___|_| \_|   |____/___\____| |_|   |_____|_| \_|___|____/(_)