I've lost the ability to program

I can't seem to write programs any more. Not properly, anyway. I just get a huge headache and have to nip to the toilets to masturbate (it helps). But when I come back to my desk to code, I can't do it again. This is quite bad, as it's my full-time job. Halp.

You've become obsessed with doing it properly.  That's impossible.  Just hack out whatever works and refactor when the need arises.  Start with things that have immediately visible results.