Aw shit

Should I learn:

C
C++
C# (lulwut?)
Lisp (I'm not sure about the dialects, is it Common and Scheme?)
Java
Python

being a programming FAILURE they're the only ones that come to mind at the moment.

inb4 SICP.

>>6
It's just a meme, the book doesn't actually teach you programming, but teaches you just some abstract concepts that you will never use in real life. I suggest you start with C++. Most programs are written in it, so it is good to know. A good book on C++ is Sam's Teach Yourself Programming in 24 Hours.