Procedural programming

The Sussman waited. The globals around him changed and were read out of the air. There were procedural programmers in the codebase. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Guy Steele were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
The Sussman was a lisp wizard for forty years. When he was young he watched the parentheses and he said to dad "I want to remap my keyboard daddy."
Dad said "No! You will BE KILL BY SUPPORT"
There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the codebase of the Shiichan he knew there were procedural programmers.
"This is Steele" the radio crackered. "You must fight the procedural programmers!"
So The Sussman gotted his apply and eval and blew up the wall.
"HE GOING TO UNDEF US" said the procedural programmers
"I will divide at him" said the assembly expert and he fired the processor flags. The Sussman lambdaed at him and tried to undef him. But then the stack overflowed and they were trapped and not able to push.
"No! I must undef the procedures" he shouted
The radio said "No, Sussman. You are the globals"
And then The Sussman was a Guido van Rossum.

Alternate ending:

The radio said "No, Sussman. You are my other car"
And then The Sussman was a cudder.