PHP is awesome

This is how you create a anonymous function in PHP:

$newfunc = create_function('$a,$b', 'return "ln($a) + ln($b) = " . log($a * $b);');

>>48
Wow, as if my objections to PHP have anything to do with speed or even elegance.

it will always be [...] adequate
No, this is my objection. In no sense is PHP adequate. The worst part of the whole mess is that it is invariably written by people who think it is adequate. And then they go and plug the resulting foetid mess into a relational database most of the time. Gross!