Python what

Recently I tried making a web application in Django and found Python to be baffling because I couldn't find in any book/tutorial  how to write a goddamn class method.  And the dude made it seem like it was a totally obscure and pointless question.  I don't know how to accomplish anything without them.  Python is whack.  The only reason I used it is because it sort of resembles Ruby but isn't as slow as a turd like Ruby is.

No, if you can do SQL.
Well, see, I can do SQL just fine. It's just that it makes refactoring a nightmare with SQL interspersed throughout the code. I've worked on non-trivial apps that do things the old way, and it's ugly.

ORM has problems, but it does one thing nicely: it isolates the SQL away from everything else.

The kind of shit you can do with SQL makes life easier, and then you can easily treat the results it as a value, a list, or a table.
Uh... I don't think you've used ORM. If you have, and you still believe the above, then it was probably something hamstrung.