Perfect Language

So, I was looking at this thread http://dis.4chan.org/read/prog/1183997706/1-40 and all the various language bashing threads and was wondering... What, in the opinions of anonymous and 4chan in general, would make a perfect programming language? I am interested in both syntax and features and general flames, since they entertain me.

Must be:
* Support dynamic (duck) typing
* Higher order functions
* Garbage collected
* Support for a JIT compiler (compile to (fast) native code)
  as well as a native FFI system (ability to call functions from external native libraries. Marshalling of args and return values should be done by VM core)
* Have a powerful macro system (defmacro)
* Support for unicode is a must
* Classes and inheritence
* Nested procedures would be cool

Haven't decided about syntax. I am quite partial to java/c/c++/js type syntax though.