How do I learned Lisp?

I have tried several times -- and FAILED UTTERLY. It felt like having a fetus shoved up your ass, and then having to shit it out while a big bad nigger is trying to shove it back up with his humongous cock. All while the fetus is growing at a steady pace.

Alright, what I need to know is:
1) How do I indented Lisp.
2) What dialect is "the best".
3) Minor programming project good for a stupid ignorant wapanese newbie.
4) PROTIPs.

Only serious inquiries, dear Sir or Madam.

>>90

Speaking of monads, does anyone have a good explaination of wtf they are without me having to climb into bed with Haskell? All I know is they are some kind of syntax sugar to allow for side-effects in a purely functional language. How do they work? What would you have to do if you didn't have the handy syntax?