How do I learned Lisp?

I have tried several times -- and FAILED UTTERLY. It felt like having a fetus shoved up your ass, and then having to shit it out while a big bad nigger is trying to shove it back up with his humongous cock. All while the fetus is growing at a steady pace.

Alright, what I need to know is:
1) How do I indented Lisp.
2) What dialect is "the best".
3) Minor programming project good for a stupid ignorant wapanese newbie.
4) PROTIPs.

Only serious inquiries, dear Sir or Madam.

>>87
So the program (+ 2 2) doesn't do anything? Admittedly, it's much harder to do certain things, but you can certainly get stuff done in lisp without using things with side effects.

>>86
No one cares. If I really cared about something being purely functional, I'd be programming in lambda calculus or some shit. As it stands, I'm more concerned about getting things done in an efficient (and hopefully elegant) manner than planing the "pure" OOP/functional/whateverthefuck wankfest.