How do I learned Lisp?

I have tried several times -- and FAILED UTTERLY. It felt like having a fetus shoved up your ass, and then having to shit it out while a big bad nigger is trying to shove it back up with his humongous cock. All while the fetus is growing at a steady pace.

Alright, what I need to know is:
1) How do I indented Lisp.
2) What dialect is "the best".
3) Minor programming project good for a stupid ignorant wapanese newbie.
4) PROTIPs.

Only serious inquiries, dear Sir or Madam.

>>7
A better question: why would you learn another programming language when ASM can do everything already? Maybe because Lisp is more suited to my needs? Maybe because it's been specifically designed to ease the development of AI applications?

If you're asking such a stupid question, you don't need Lisp to begin with...