How do I learned Lisp?

I have tried several times -- and FAILED UTTERLY. It felt like having a fetus shoved up your ass, and then having to shit it out while a big bad nigger is trying to shove it back up with his humongous cock. All while the fetus is growing at a steady pace.

Alright, what I need to know is:
1) How do I indented Lisp.
2) What dialect is "the best".
3) Minor programming project good for a stupid ignorant wapanese newbie.
4) PROTIPs.

Only serious inquiries, dear Sir or Madam.

I just realized that there's a Lisp thread, and it's already tl;dr.

For learning Lisp (CL), I very highly recommend the classic "Common Lisp - A Gentle Introduction to Symbolic Computation" by David S. Touretzky. It's out of print and available as a free ebook from http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/LispBook/index.html