How do I learned Lisp?

I have tried several times -- and FAILED UTTERLY. It felt like having a fetus shoved up your ass, and then having to shit it out while a big bad nigger is trying to shove it back up with his humongous cock. All while the fetus is growing at a steady pace.

Alright, what I need to know is:
1) How do I indented Lisp.
2) What dialect is "the best".
3) Minor programming project good for a stupid ignorant wapanese newbie.
4) PROTIPs.

Only serious inquiries, dear Sir or Madam.

>>1
1) How do I indented Lisp.
This is the least of your worries, you'll pick it up as you go along. In general though start a new line for the body of block-style macros, eg defun, or whenever you feel you need to. Closing parens go on the end of the line, they don't get lines all to themselves.

2) What dialect is "the best".
Scheme is simple and elegant, Common Lisp is powerful, has a more complete standard library, has more external libraries (see http://www.cliki.net/index). Use CL for real work, Scheme for a beautiful toy. All other dialects were either killed off by Common Lisp or are special purpose languages.

3) Minor programming project good for a stupid ignorant wapanese newbie.
Implement this: http://www.gamecabinet.com/rules/WavingHands.html

4) PROTIPs.
Learn emacs. I'm a vim user by preference, but emacs + SLIME will make you a happy lisper.
Get to know this site: http://www.cliki.net/index
If you find yourself starting to doubt that Lisp is REAL Ultimate Power, read some essays from this site: http://www.paulgraham.com/index.html

This is a good book for newish programmers: http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/LispBook/

Compilers: SBCL is the most current, CMUCL and CLISP are fine too. They're all for *nix, as all good things are, but they run fine in cygwin.