How do I learned Lisp?

I have tried several times -- and FAILED UTTERLY. It felt like having a fetus shoved up your ass, and then having to shit it out while a big bad nigger is trying to shove it back up with his humongous cock. All while the fetus is growing at a steady pace.

Alright, what I need to know is:
1) How do I indented Lisp.
2) What dialect is "the best".
3) Minor programming project good for a stupid ignorant wapanese newbie.
4) PROTIPs.

Only serious inquiries, dear Sir or Madam.

Shit. So, what happened to one of the best places to work ever? Don't tell me they managed to hire some retarded businessmen full of enterprise and scalability with his industry magazines and business conferences. I wonder how didn't Google collapse, it must've been really good to withstand two years of professional management. Damn. What'd be the model company now? One that's not ruled by business ruin-it-all idiots?

I swear these Java loving enterprise managers are like King Midas, only instead of Midas they are Mierdas, and turn to shit everything they touch.