How do I learned Lisp?

I have tried several times -- and FAILED UTTERLY. It felt like having a fetus shoved up your ass, and then having to shit it out while a big bad nigger is trying to shove it back up with his humongous cock. All while the fetus is growing at a steady pace.

Alright, what I need to know is:
1) How do I indented Lisp.
2) What dialect is "the best".
3) Minor programming project good for a stupid ignorant wapanese newbie.
4) PROTIPs.

Only serious inquiries, dear Sir or Madam.

Er, I thought UFFI was the "standardized" method of loading foreign functions and now there's this CFFI thing I've never heard about?

Guh...

This sort of stuff really is the Achilles' Heel of LISP.  Just because something is academic, doesn't mean it should be designed to be hard to use...