How do I learned Lisp?

I have tried several times -- and FAILED UTTERLY. It felt like having a fetus shoved up your ass, and then having to shit it out while a big bad nigger is trying to shove it back up with his humongous cock. All while the fetus is growing at a steady pace.

Alright, what I need to know is:
1) How do I indented Lisp.
2) What dialect is "the best".
3) Minor programming project good for a stupid ignorant wapanese newbie.
4) PROTIPs.

Only serious inquiries, dear Sir or Madam.

Also I finished downloading that "Common Lisp - The Language" and noticed that it's by Guy Steele, not Paul Graham.  I think I'd rather buy the book too, reading a 1000+ page manual on the monitor isn't comfortable or easy to flip through.

>>22, I'll check it out.  Although it looks like I'll have to settle for the .pdf for that book -- $234 on Amazon holy shit