Name: Eustace 2012-01-07 18:18
Transcript from the latest edition of the sensational new gameshow, Blackbusters.
The stage is lit, and as the pop music begins, a group of armed policemen point their Uzis at the audience, while a neon sign lights to say, 'CLAP'.
The audience, in fear of its life, works itself up into a frenzy of hatred and bigotry, as the host, Bob Holness, tanned and dressed suavely in a tailored suit, leaps on stage and begins the show.
“Hello, and welcome to Blackbusters, the new gameshow where we offer our lucky winner a free holiday in Africa, which, as we all know, is the ancestral homeland of every human being and a place of fine art and culture. We'll also be revealing this week's racial offender!”.
[Shouts and cheers from the audience].
Now, last week's Blackbuster, Lee Jasper won a trip to Niger. [Applause]. Lee?...Lee?....Where is he....?”
[Bob puts his finger to an earpiece].
“Ah, now, I've just been informed that, sadly, Lee was killed by Chinese security guards during a gun battle between rival drug gangs outside a copper mine. The Chinese tell us that, unfortunately, the prevalence of neglectful, slothful values and political and financial corruption in African societies is a consequence of post-War white neo-colonialism. They have demanded an apology from the white nations of the world, especially Britain. I think I speak for all white people when I say we are truly, truly sorry for our colonial legacy. [Applause]. Now, let's move on and introduce our first contestant”.
[More music and applause. The cameras focus on a large black lady].
“Our first contestant is, Abbott Dance! Welcome Abbott”.
“It's Diane Abbott”. [Heavy sigh].
“Sorry, Dance Abbott. Now, Abbott, let me just explain how Blackbusters works”.
“It's DIANCE CABBOTT...I mean, Abbott....D-I-A-N-E....DIANE....ABBOTT...A-B-B-O-T-T. Are you implying that as a black woman, I don't understand a simple game for elite white students and white chavs obsessed with daytime tele?”
“Ahem...[cough]....not at all, Abbott. Well then, take a look at the board and tell me which letter you'd like to choose. You'll notice the letters are arranged into hexagons coloured yellow, blue or white”.
“White? Shouldn't that shape be black. I really think that's racist and typical of a white, patriarchal, Western-centric attitude to geometry”.
“Ahem...err...good point Abbott, let's go to a commercial break”.
[State Television Annoucement]: “IF YOU ARE A BLACK OR ASIAN PERSON AND FEEL RACIALLY OFFENDED AT THAT DISGRACEFUL ATTACK BY COMRADE HOLNESS ON YOUR COMMUNITY AND OUR WONDERFUL MULTI-CULTURALISM , PLEASE CONTACT THE POLICE RACIAL INCIDENT LINE ON 0898 635 2847 AND SELECT '2' FOR FOXY EXTRA”.
[The pop music blares, lights go up, the Uzis again point at the audience, and the sign lights-up instructing the audience to CLAP].
“Welcome back to Blackbusters. Now unfortunately Abbott Dance had to run behind a phone box down the road to take a private mobile phone call, so she won't be with us for the rest of the show. Never mind, it's time for Racial Offender!”
[Music again, the audience – in mortal fear - claps furiously. Bob moves to a corner of the stage, with a counter and a telephone].
“Right folks, let's deal with this week's Racial Offender”. [Playful noos from the audience. Bob smoothly picks up a card in front of him]. “His name is Mike Stephens of Yorkshire. Mike is a pub landlord. Last week, Mike advertised a..[Bob pauses for effect, then says it slowly]...'Sunday....Pot....Black....Tournament' in his pub”. {Bob is open-mouthed in shock now, as are some members of the audience, their shock and disgust visible and pronounced. Some shout, 'Disgraceful' and 'Racist bastard'. A 'mug shot' of Mike now occupies the telescreen.] Bob continues, his face now studied and seriousness, “Mike was arrested that Sunday in a dawn raid by the Special Racial Apprehension Division of the National Minority Hatred Squad”. [Gasps around the studio, then applause]. “He is currently in isolation at Belmarsh”, Bob adds crisply.
Then, Bob's face suddenly lights up and with a wide grin, he flashes his perfect white teeth, “Let's move on to our next contestant!”
[Off-camera voice. “Our next contestant is Labour Party leader, Ed Miliband. Ed lives in Hampstead Garden Suburb. He holidays in the Gambia. His favourite food is curry, and his hobbies include the UAF and campaigning against wacism”].
“Ed, welcome to Blackbusters. And what an admirable man you are, working with the UAF and campaigning against racism”.
[Furious cheers and applause].
“No, Wacism, Bob”.
“Racism?”
“Wacism”.
“What's, 'wacism'?”
“Never mind....”
“Ok, Red, which shape would you like to go for?”
“One off the top please, Carol.”
“Errr, I think you've got the wrong gameshow, David. This is Blackbusters, not Countdown”.
[Ed Balls, off-stage]: “There'll be a countdown soon, don't you worry sonny”.
“Don't you mean, BLOCKbusters? Anyway, it's Ed, not David”.
“Red?”
“No, Ed”.
“Ned?”
“No, Ed”.
“On me head?”
“No, Ed. Edward. My name is Ed”.
“Oh, sorry, I thought you were the other chap. Right, now, where were we? Oh yes, welcome to Blackbusters, Red.”
“You mean, BLOCKbusters?”
“No, BLACKbusters”.
“Sorry, but isn't that wacist?”
“Wacist? You mean, racist?”
“No, wacist”.
Now look Red, Ed, Ned, or whatever you're called, I've been in the race industry now for twenty-five years and.....”
Bob's voice slowly fades out, and as it does so, seems to echo down a long tunnel, the studio lights increasingly fading into nothing.
Ed Miliband wakes with a jolt, realising it was all a dream – or was it a nightmare?
The stage is lit, and as the pop music begins, a group of armed policemen point their Uzis at the audience, while a neon sign lights to say, 'CLAP'.
The audience, in fear of its life, works itself up into a frenzy of hatred and bigotry, as the host, Bob Holness, tanned and dressed suavely in a tailored suit, leaps on stage and begins the show.
“Hello, and welcome to Blackbusters, the new gameshow where we offer our lucky winner a free holiday in Africa, which, as we all know, is the ancestral homeland of every human being and a place of fine art and culture. We'll also be revealing this week's racial offender!”.
[Shouts and cheers from the audience].
Now, last week's Blackbuster, Lee Jasper won a trip to Niger. [Applause]. Lee?...Lee?....Where is he....?”
[Bob puts his finger to an earpiece].
“Ah, now, I've just been informed that, sadly, Lee was killed by Chinese security guards during a gun battle between rival drug gangs outside a copper mine. The Chinese tell us that, unfortunately, the prevalence of neglectful, slothful values and political and financial corruption in African societies is a consequence of post-War white neo-colonialism. They have demanded an apology from the white nations of the world, especially Britain. I think I speak for all white people when I say we are truly, truly sorry for our colonial legacy. [Applause]. Now, let's move on and introduce our first contestant”.
[More music and applause. The cameras focus on a large black lady].
“Our first contestant is, Abbott Dance! Welcome Abbott”.
“It's Diane Abbott”. [Heavy sigh].
“Sorry, Dance Abbott. Now, Abbott, let me just explain how Blackbusters works”.
“It's DIANCE CABBOTT...I mean, Abbott....D-I-A-N-E....DIANE....ABBOTT...A-B-B-O-T-T. Are you implying that as a black woman, I don't understand a simple game for elite white students and white chavs obsessed with daytime tele?”
“Ahem...[cough]....not at all, Abbott. Well then, take a look at the board and tell me which letter you'd like to choose. You'll notice the letters are arranged into hexagons coloured yellow, blue or white”.
“White? Shouldn't that shape be black. I really think that's racist and typical of a white, patriarchal, Western-centric attitude to geometry”.
“Ahem...err...good point Abbott, let's go to a commercial break”.
[State Television Annoucement]: “IF YOU ARE A BLACK OR ASIAN PERSON AND FEEL RACIALLY OFFENDED AT THAT DISGRACEFUL ATTACK BY COMRADE HOLNESS ON YOUR COMMUNITY AND OUR WONDERFUL MULTI-CULTURALISM , PLEASE CONTACT THE POLICE RACIAL INCIDENT LINE ON 0898 635 2847 AND SELECT '2' FOR FOXY EXTRA”.
[The pop music blares, lights go up, the Uzis again point at the audience, and the sign lights-up instructing the audience to CLAP].
“Welcome back to Blackbusters. Now unfortunately Abbott Dance had to run behind a phone box down the road to take a private mobile phone call, so she won't be with us for the rest of the show. Never mind, it's time for Racial Offender!”
[Music again, the audience – in mortal fear - claps furiously. Bob moves to a corner of the stage, with a counter and a telephone].
“Right folks, let's deal with this week's Racial Offender”. [Playful noos from the audience. Bob smoothly picks up a card in front of him]. “His name is Mike Stephens of Yorkshire. Mike is a pub landlord. Last week, Mike advertised a..[Bob pauses for effect, then says it slowly]...'Sunday....Pot....Black....Tournament' in his pub”. {Bob is open-mouthed in shock now, as are some members of the audience, their shock and disgust visible and pronounced. Some shout, 'Disgraceful' and 'Racist bastard'. A 'mug shot' of Mike now occupies the telescreen.] Bob continues, his face now studied and seriousness, “Mike was arrested that Sunday in a dawn raid by the Special Racial Apprehension Division of the National Minority Hatred Squad”. [Gasps around the studio, then applause]. “He is currently in isolation at Belmarsh”, Bob adds crisply.
Then, Bob's face suddenly lights up and with a wide grin, he flashes his perfect white teeth, “Let's move on to our next contestant!”
[Off-camera voice. “Our next contestant is Labour Party leader, Ed Miliband. Ed lives in Hampstead Garden Suburb. He holidays in the Gambia. His favourite food is curry, and his hobbies include the UAF and campaigning against wacism”].
“Ed, welcome to Blackbusters. And what an admirable man you are, working with the UAF and campaigning against racism”.
[Furious cheers and applause].
“No, Wacism, Bob”.
“Racism?”
“Wacism”.
“What's, 'wacism'?”
“Never mind....”
“Ok, Red, which shape would you like to go for?”
“One off the top please, Carol.”
“Errr, I think you've got the wrong gameshow, David. This is Blackbusters, not Countdown”.
[Ed Balls, off-stage]: “There'll be a countdown soon, don't you worry sonny”.
“Don't you mean, BLOCKbusters? Anyway, it's Ed, not David”.
“Red?”
“No, Ed”.
“Ned?”
“No, Ed”.
“On me head?”
“No, Ed. Edward. My name is Ed”.
“Oh, sorry, I thought you were the other chap. Right, now, where were we? Oh yes, welcome to Blackbusters, Red.”
“You mean, BLOCKbusters?”
“No, BLACKbusters”.
“Sorry, but isn't that wacist?”
“Wacist? You mean, racist?”
“No, wacist”.
Now look Red, Ed, Ned, or whatever you're called, I've been in the race industry now for twenty-five years and.....”
Bob's voice slowly fades out, and as it does so, seems to echo down a long tunnel, the studio lights increasingly fading into nothing.
Ed Miliband wakes with a jolt, realising it was all a dream – or was it a nightmare?