American Presidential Candidates.

Can anyone make an accurate Tl;Dr of the candidates platforms?

Obama: The Republicans broke it and they won't let me fix it.
Perry: Facts are for pansies.
Romney: We need to give still more money to the rich.
Cain: I'm black.  Vote for me!
Bachmann: Anyone who disagrees with me is an agent of Satan.
Santorum: Homosexuals are ICKY!!!
Paul: We can trust business to run itself fairly.  And the tooth fairy REALLY EXISTS!
Gingrich: I lie, cheat AND steal.  But the Democrats are immoral.